“So many things we never will undo, I know you’re sorry, well I’m sorry too... Some people will offer you their hand and some won’t, last night I knew you tonight I don’t, I need something strong to distract my mind, I’m gonna look at you ‘till my eyes go blind” --Bob Dylan
I am about 49% shy. I know, it may be hard to believe, but this is a fact about me. I have spent a lot of time in my life cultivating the more extroverted side of my personality, but there is always a big part of me that would much rather be in the corner than in the spotlight.
Probably the only exception to that would be when I am literally in the spotlight – there is something about being a performer that is instinctual to me. I love it, I thrive on it, I can’t get enough of it. And I have been without a platform (albeit my own fault) for way too long.
Part of this whole life change for me is to figure out where this whole performer side of me fits into what I want from my life overall. I’m not sure if I am cut out to live as a “starving artist.” I have much too strong a desire for security. But I am trying not to let being safe get in the way of what I truly desire – as someone once told me “what makes my heart sing.” (Appropriate, no?)
So I am searching for another starting point - a place where I can develop myself as an artist and grow musically. I may need to live my life in a little less “traditional” way for a while until I figure that out. I’m trying to be ok with that. I’m listening for the voice that has never led me astray...and praying that it will whisper a little louder sometime soon.
I wish for you to live the life that makes your heart sing. I hope we get there sooner than later.
Tuesday, January 27, 2004
Friday, January 23, 2004
01.23.04
“Some things are the way they are and words just can’t explain…I never saw blue like that before, across the sky, around the world…you’re giving me all you have and more, no one else has ever shown me how to see the world the way I see it now…” --Shawn Colvin
If I’ve learned anything about myself over the past year, I’ve learned that I have a strong desire for a plan, a direction, a road to follow. And, wouldn’t you know it, sometimes life just doesn’t happen that way. Sometimes it just happens.
Things that are important to me, like a husband and a family are not so easily planned. I can’t sit down and say, “Here are the five steps I need to take in order to find that person I want to spend my life with.” How irritating is that?
People are always paying lip service to the notion that the whole relationship issue will be resolved “when you least expect it/aren’t looking/are patient” and so on and so on. So I wait. I know that when it is supposed to happen, it will.
So I don’t obsess about it, don’t worry about it. Go with the flow. Which is totally opposite to my nature – I want CONTROL…but I have to let it go.
Here’s to letting things happen naturally...
If I’ve learned anything about myself over the past year, I’ve learned that I have a strong desire for a plan, a direction, a road to follow. And, wouldn’t you know it, sometimes life just doesn’t happen that way. Sometimes it just happens.
Things that are important to me, like a husband and a family are not so easily planned. I can’t sit down and say, “Here are the five steps I need to take in order to find that person I want to spend my life with.” How irritating is that?
People are always paying lip service to the notion that the whole relationship issue will be resolved “when you least expect it/aren’t looking/are patient” and so on and so on. So I wait. I know that when it is supposed to happen, it will.
So I don’t obsess about it, don’t worry about it. Go with the flow. Which is totally opposite to my nature – I want CONTROL…but I have to let it go.
Here’s to letting things happen naturally...
Wednesday, January 21, 2004
01.21.04
“And now you want to ask me how…it’s like ‘How does your heart beat and why do you breathe?’ – and now you want to ask me why…it’s like ‘How does your heart beat and why do you cry?’” --Lisa Loeb
So…now what? I’m not used to having down time like this, so every once in a while I get this feeling like I am forgetting something important or not doing what I should be. Realistically, this may be accurate. I tend to do better when I have too much to do – I stay more focused and somehow get it all done.
Having less to do is a little weird for me. It’s kind of nice, but weird all the same. I don’t want to give the impression that I am sitting around eating bon-bons all day or anything like that. I think that my family and friends here could actually keep me occupied most of the time with little trouble (who needs a job?).
I’m a perpetual list-maker, so I have several “To Do” lists going at once. I have a daily ritual of looking at job listings and responding to interesting possibilities. If there were a listing for professional e-mail checker, I would be a shoe-in. Somehow I think that those things won’t really pay the bills.
I’m trying to lay low in some areas…it would be easy to over-commit now only to realize that once I do get a job I won’t have as much time to dedicate to “extras.” So, it’s little things for now, and sometimes I get the “Hmmm…now what?” dialogue going on in my head. I’m ok with it for a little while longer – but pretty soon I need to get back to my harried, busy, over-involved little self. Maybe then I will feel a bit more normal.
But until then, I may have more of these little ramblings for you all to read! Keep on keepin’ on...
So…now what? I’m not used to having down time like this, so every once in a while I get this feeling like I am forgetting something important or not doing what I should be. Realistically, this may be accurate. I tend to do better when I have too much to do – I stay more focused and somehow get it all done.
Having less to do is a little weird for me. It’s kind of nice, but weird all the same. I don’t want to give the impression that I am sitting around eating bon-bons all day or anything like that. I think that my family and friends here could actually keep me occupied most of the time with little trouble (who needs a job?).
I’m a perpetual list-maker, so I have several “To Do” lists going at once. I have a daily ritual of looking at job listings and responding to interesting possibilities. If there were a listing for professional e-mail checker, I would be a shoe-in. Somehow I think that those things won’t really pay the bills.
I’m trying to lay low in some areas…it would be easy to over-commit now only to realize that once I do get a job I won’t have as much time to dedicate to “extras.” So, it’s little things for now, and sometimes I get the “Hmmm…now what?” dialogue going on in my head. I’m ok with it for a little while longer – but pretty soon I need to get back to my harried, busy, over-involved little self. Maybe then I will feel a bit more normal.
But until then, I may have more of these little ramblings for you all to read! Keep on keepin’ on...
Tuesday, January 20, 2004
01.20.04
“I just have this secret hope, sometimes all we do is call…somewhere on the steepest slope there’s an endless rope, and nobody’s crying” --Patty Griffin
Another week has begun in St. Louis…I was informed this weekend that some people expect this site to be updated, so I’d better get cracking on journal entries so as not to disappoint (this one’s for you, Jaime! :) )
I am feeling a bit yuppie-esque today. After being in the house all day, I needed to get out and to get up north before traffic becomes even more horrible than normal, so I am sitting in St. Louis Bread Company, sipping a caramel latte (nonfat, no whip, of course) and typing on a borrowed laptop. How trendy am I? If only I was at a Starbucks and this was somewhere a little hipper than North County…
I am a thinker. I think and I think and I over-analyze and beat things to death in my head. It’s what I do. But when it comes down to it, after all of that mental sparring is done, I tend to go with my gut. How something makes me feel can make or break a situation for me. Case in point: I decided to take a short trip to Nashville this weekend. (For those of you who I saw – it was lovely; for those I missed – I apologize. I’ll have to catch you the next time.)
One of the things I noticed as I was driving into the city was the way it made me feel. I remember that day over 5 years ago when I moved there. It was sunny and bright, the city was spread out over the curve in I-65 ripe with promise and expectation and the Bell-South “Bat Building” waving hello. It felt right for me to be there, even though I wasn’t sure of the path things would take.
Driving in this weekend, I kind of wondered how I would feel, almost a month after making a huge change in my life and moving back to St. Louis. Would I feel regret? Sadness? Like I made a mistake? As I made that I-65 loop again, I felt none of those things. I was happy that I would be seeing people that mean so much to me. I knew that good times were to be had (and they were…). And I was completely at peace with my decision to leave when I did.
I don’t know what’s in store for me here in St. Louis. But I am utterly convinced that as difficult as it was to make that choice, it was the right thing. I realize that the plan set for me is greater than I could ever devise on my own. This step of faith is not unlike my decision to move to Nashville in the first place – and I don’t regret a minute of my time there. Music City, USA and the people who I love there will always have a special place in my heart.
Until next time.
Another week has begun in St. Louis…I was informed this weekend that some people expect this site to be updated, so I’d better get cracking on journal entries so as not to disappoint (this one’s for you, Jaime! :) )
I am feeling a bit yuppie-esque today. After being in the house all day, I needed to get out and to get up north before traffic becomes even more horrible than normal, so I am sitting in St. Louis Bread Company, sipping a caramel latte (nonfat, no whip, of course) and typing on a borrowed laptop. How trendy am I? If only I was at a Starbucks and this was somewhere a little hipper than North County…
I am a thinker. I think and I think and I over-analyze and beat things to death in my head. It’s what I do. But when it comes down to it, after all of that mental sparring is done, I tend to go with my gut. How something makes me feel can make or break a situation for me. Case in point: I decided to take a short trip to Nashville this weekend. (For those of you who I saw – it was lovely; for those I missed – I apologize. I’ll have to catch you the next time.)
One of the things I noticed as I was driving into the city was the way it made me feel. I remember that day over 5 years ago when I moved there. It was sunny and bright, the city was spread out over the curve in I-65 ripe with promise and expectation and the Bell-South “Bat Building” waving hello. It felt right for me to be there, even though I wasn’t sure of the path things would take.
Driving in this weekend, I kind of wondered how I would feel, almost a month after making a huge change in my life and moving back to St. Louis. Would I feel regret? Sadness? Like I made a mistake? As I made that I-65 loop again, I felt none of those things. I was happy that I would be seeing people that mean so much to me. I knew that good times were to be had (and they were…). And I was completely at peace with my decision to leave when I did.
I don’t know what’s in store for me here in St. Louis. But I am utterly convinced that as difficult as it was to make that choice, it was the right thing. I realize that the plan set for me is greater than I could ever devise on my own. This step of faith is not unlike my decision to move to Nashville in the first place – and I don’t regret a minute of my time there. Music City, USA and the people who I love there will always have a special place in my heart.
Until next time.
Thursday, January 15, 2004
01.15.04
"When you're soaring through the air, I'll be your solid ground...Take every chance you dare, I'll still be there when you come back down" --Nickel Creek
Wow. It seems like ages since I have journaled on here. Most of you who know me understand why - December was an insane month! So let's get to the updates.
If you're reading this, you know that the CD is COMPLETE! And not only complete, but sitting in boxes in my closet waiting for all of you to get your copies! As usual, when you say something like "it will be ready...barring any issues" there are always issues. But the good thing is that it is done, I'm happy with it, and you can start ordering away!
The other huge news in my life is that I after 5 years in Nashville, I have moved back to St. Louis. This is something that I knew I would do, it was always just a matter of time. So, I packed up my life, was a transient for a while (thanks Mike & Rob), and moved back in with my parents (gasp!) on December 20th.
I love being home, it feels right. I am still looking for a job, but the right one will come along. I haven't started playing out in St. Louis yet, but it is definitely on my short list of goals for the next month or so. I'll be finding a place of my own (hopefully sooner than later) but am grateful for the support of my family right now. All of that change that happened over the past several months was laying the groundwork for this big change. I see that now. It was hard to walk through, but I have such high hopes for this next chapter of my life.
2004 will be a good year. I can feel it in my bones.
Wow. It seems like ages since I have journaled on here. Most of you who know me understand why - December was an insane month! So let's get to the updates.
If you're reading this, you know that the CD is COMPLETE! And not only complete, but sitting in boxes in my closet waiting for all of you to get your copies! As usual, when you say something like "it will be ready...barring any issues" there are always issues. But the good thing is that it is done, I'm happy with it, and you can start ordering away!
The other huge news in my life is that I after 5 years in Nashville, I have moved back to St. Louis. This is something that I knew I would do, it was always just a matter of time. So, I packed up my life, was a transient for a while (thanks Mike & Rob), and moved back in with my parents (gasp!) on December 20th.
I love being home, it feels right. I am still looking for a job, but the right one will come along. I haven't started playing out in St. Louis yet, but it is definitely on my short list of goals for the next month or so. I'll be finding a place of my own (hopefully sooner than later) but am grateful for the support of my family right now. All of that change that happened over the past several months was laying the groundwork for this big change. I see that now. It was hard to walk through, but I have such high hopes for this next chapter of my life.
2004 will be a good year. I can feel it in my bones.
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