Timing is Everything

"Time will do the talking, years will do the walking, I just find a comfy spot and I wait it out - Time will tell you baby, what you can't hear now" -Patty Griffin

It's sometimes amazing to me how much comes down to timing. Career, relationships, getting a good parking spot - if you're not in the right place at the right time it may not happen.

I've been mulling over the whole timing thing lately. It's hard for my inner control freak to accept the fact that I might not be in charge of how things come out in the end. Of course, I have an impact on the outcome, but when I comes down to it I'm just a player in this crazy thing called life. Once I learn to let go of the reigns I am a much happier person.

I'm in Denver this week for work. Things are done, getting ready to have our little walk-through of the event and start the ball rolling. It should be fun. Then I get to spend a little time with my family who lives here, which I am really looking forward to.

Looking out my hotel room window to the mountains is pretty cool. I am very thankful that I get to do what I love and see places like this - even if I will mostly see the inside of a hotel for the next 5 days straight. It almost makes me not miss what I have waiting for me at home. Almost.

I'll try and post more from the Mile High City - hope that I don't get an altitude headache like I did the last time I was here.

Clarity

“It may not be the way I would have chosen when you lead me through a world that’s not my home, but You never said it would be easy…You only said I’d never go alone” --Ginny Owens

I don’t regret a minute of it. And I’m ok. Really, truly, not lying to anyone or myself. Believe me, I’ve searched to the innermost depths and I am just fine in this place.

I can’t say that I totally understand the purpose behind the events of the last few weeks. Maybe it was for me to see where I stand and for what I won’t stand. Or to remind me that there is hope, there is a plan, there is a purpose. Even if I don’t always get it. I know what’s in my heart. I believe in myself and know what’s true.

Oh, you all warned me because you love me. I love you for that. Thanks for letting me talk it out and not judging me for doing what my heart told me to do. My decision to take a risk even if it might hurt a little along the way was the right one. Sometimes you have to be broken to find out who you are. Funny thing is, I’m not anywhere near broken. That saying “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” as annoying as it may be when you feel like the world is crashing down on you, is actually pretty true. I’m stronger for the things I’ve walked through.

What will be will be. That’s all I know, and for now it’s enough.

Open House!

"You can take me down, you can show me your home... not the place where you live but the place where you belong" --Toad the Wet Sprocket

Oh my it has been way too long since I blogged. I am not keeping my end of the bargain.

I have been planning and preparing for the official coming out party for my cute little house and that has meant lots of finishing touches have taken center stage. Curtains! Artwork! Rugs! Organization! I have kind of felt a little bit like HGTV around here lately.

I got really really irrationally mad at a shelf the other day. A shelf, you say? Yea, a shelf. On the outside, it looks all cute and cool and like it should be a piece of cake to hang on the freaking wall. However, I am convinced it has the soul of the devil and has managed to foil nails, screws, counter-sink devices, wall tabs... you name it, it won't help make it hang straight and not lean askew at a 25 degree angle off the wall. Finally, after it pissed me off enough I yanked the screws out along with pieces of my (beautifully painted) wall. I have now spackled, will touch up paint and if worse comes to worse buy another picture or something to hang on the poor abused drywall.

Other than that, the house is cute and mostly ready for its cotillion this weekend. The rugs look lovely, curtains are hanging cheerfully, and I just have to clean my butt off before people come over because I have been slacking off the last week or three. Does anyone have any ideas on how I can get my cats to stop tracking cat litter all over the house? Little tiny houseshoes?

I will try and figure out how to post pictures of the extreme cuteness that is my house, but don't hold your breath. You know me.

Don't drink, don't smoke, what do you do?

"When I get back I will dream in Barnes and Noble's, oh leave me here oh leave me where angels fear to tread" --Rufus Wainwright

I fear I'm getting old and responsible.

Now, granted, I am typically the one who is the goody-two-shoes rule-follower. Overall, I would say I am dependable. But I occasionally have those moments when I get a little crazy, color outside the lines, act irresponsibly. My problem is that I keep doing things that make it more difficult to do those kind of things on a regular basis.

The house, for example. I LOVE my house. It is the cutest place ever, it's cozy and warm and very me. It occupies my time and my mind though. I shouldn't go to happy hour because I need to do "x" at the house. I don't need to buy those cute shoes because I need to re-grout my tub. I need to stay in this week because I have to pay my electric bill, mortgage, etc. You get the picture.

The job is another encumberment. Again, enjoying the job. (Love is too strong a word for anything I have to get up before 9am on a regular basis for. I do it, not enamoured with the concept.) I find myself working late, bringing work home, dreaming about meetings. It's a little unnerving. I'm not on some huge corporate track. I don't want the climb any ladders or break any glass ceilings (unless I'm with Willy Wonka on a glass elevator. Then, game over.) or race any rats. I just want to do my little job the best I can and make it work with my life. Still the workaholic genes rear their ugly little heads.

My friends are all starting to turn 30. I'm trying to decide if it's a big deal. I have until November to get used to it, so I have started saying it's my age now. I remember when that seemed so far away and so grown up. But now, not so much. There are more people in my life over that age than not.

I think I can come to terms with the responsible part. It's my natural tendency. And you're only as old as you act. So I can get wild and crazy with the best of them - just in moderation. And as long a I make sure I'm in bed by 11pm.

80 degrees and I can't complain

"It's a world of laughter, a world of tears...it's a small world after all"

Oh, who am I kidding? I can always complain. I am in the land where every child's dreams come true. And I would all like them to keep quiet and out of my way, please.

However, the fact that it was a beautiful day today and I had lunch/dinner out on the pool deck this evening are not too bad. I'm in Orlando for work, and I have realized why people come to Florida in the winter. It's warm here. And the sun is shining. Niiiiiiiice.

A couple of random things I've been thinking about:

MUSIC QUIZ: STARTS STRONG, FIZZLES TO FINISH
I thought that I found the best new game in the world on my iPod on the plane ride here. It's "Music Quiz" where it takes selections from your music library and you have to guess which song it is. This might sound easy - it's my music library, right? I should know all the songs.

A couple of complications to that theory. I currently have approximately 2000 songs on my iPod. I am a teeny tiny bit of a purist, and most of the music I've put on there is full album material. I am just starting to pick and choose some songs from albums in my catalog and not put every track on there (i.e. ABBA "Gold," Paula Abdul "Forever Your Girl"). I do have some restraint in my obsessive quest to get my entire music collection on the iPod.

Although I do know a goodly number of the songs since I started with my favorites and have been working alphabetically or with new purchases since - there are still a lot of songs on there. I might know the artist, but the title escapes me (most of the newer Tori Amos). The iPod also gets tricky and starts at a random spot in the song. If it's on some rock guitar instrumental break, I may not be able to tell right away.

It does start taking titles away as you listen to more, but you get fewer points the slower you are. And I like getting points. Also, the click wheel selection can trip you up. Bastard.

All in all, a fun game the first couple of times I played it. By the third time (when I decided I wanted to play 100 rounds and see what my percentage would be - 99%) the songs started playing over and over again, though. 2000 songs and "Holland" by Ryan Adams or "Girl Can't Help It" by Journey are on 75% of the rounds? Disappointing.

My new favorite game was tainted.

MOBILE OFFICE MY FOOT
When I travel for work, it is expected that I also keep doing some my regular job functions as if I were in the office. I try. I really really do. I am dutiful at checking my e-mail and replying to people to let them know that I am still alive. I call in to the office on a daily basis to make sure there are no "fires" to be put out, which never happens. Usually, someone just gets on to say hi because our office is crazy and we like each other too much. I bring work with me with the best intentions of actually accomplishing something.

But it never happens. Even on a night like tonight where it was a pretty easy day and I had some free time. Screw doing work. I totally can't make the transition from being at a meeting to working on other meetings. I have a complete mental block against it.

It's not because I don't want to. It's because I can't.

SUDDENLY SUSAN? RELUCTANTLY KATHY.
Some people hate Kathy Griffin. I have been annoyed with her in the past. But I am watching her on Bravo right now, and she is pretty funny. To me, at least. Right this very minute. And that's all that matters.

SHOES AND CASHEWS
I was really not ready for the warm weather. I bought a $14 pair of flip flops in the gift shop because I was excited to let my toes breathe. I had to resist the $10 "souvenier bottle" of cashews in the mini bar last night. These trips can get expensive.

That's all for now from sunny central Florida. Enjoy your winter, I'll be back by the time it gets cold again this weekend!

Salmonfish

"Have you seen the little piggies rolling in the dirt?" -Beatles

Once upon a time, there was a chinese buffet restaurant. It was much beloved by all of my co-workers for the excellent selection, but most of all for the entertainment value. In the interest of protecting the innocent, I won't give the real name - in our office it was simply known as "Salmonfish."

There was always a big old slab of salmon swimming in butter on the buffet and the label announced it to the world as "Salmonfish." This place was a veritable holy land of broken English and poor spelling in print. We had many, many favorites, and would get excited to tell the group if there was a new food item on the buffet with a particularly interesting spelling.

The servers were always harried, never pleasant, and a little scary to be honest. But our drinks were kept full and we could handle feeding our bellies. The best day was when one of the "smooth talkers" in the office decided to chat up our usual server and be nice to her. Her response was (and I quote) "Don't talk to me - I too busy!"

Then one bright, crisp day a group of us decided it was a Salmonfish day. Much to our dismay, when we got to the door (after seeing several Hazmat trucks in the parking lot - coincidence?) there was a sign stating they were closed. And in true Salmonfish fashion they stated they were "Sorry for inconve neice."

Much sadness and dismay was stated, and some of this was documented in my favorite medium, Haiku. For your pleasure, I am posting my tribute as well as those of co-worker M.

Viva la Salmonfish. We know we won't like the Thai Buffet that is taking its place nearly as much.

*****************************
No seafood conbo?
No frence fried with hot mastard?
Oh, my chicken ball.

Salmonfish no more
We're forced to eat fresh food now
Greatest tragedy

No shellfish surprise…
No sour waitresses await..
Gloom rules this sad day.

Thai doesn't cut it…
Peanut butter is not good...
as a condiment.

(and my thoughts on us e-mailing each other haiku...)

I think we’re brilliant
With due modesty, of course
As great as Basho

(If we do this more
I won’t be able to stop
It’s just like breathing)

4 o'clock and I can't concentrate for one more second!

"I wanna live, I wanna give, I've been a miner for a heart of gold" - Neil Young

I love Neil Young. "Harvest" is a fab album.

I have been dealing with a tiny bit of a headache today and no energy at all. I hate feeling tapped out at 4pm.

Another exciting evening planned tonight, an appointment with my insurance agent. If I were more of a slacker I would cancel it, but I should probably talk to him.

I am also thrilled to tell you all that for Valentine's Day tomorrow I am going out to dinner with my mom and grandparents at Hometown Buffet.

Well, this blog killed 5 minutes. 55 more to go. Somebody save me!!!

Feliz Cumpleanos!

"You said that good friends are hard to come by, I laughed and bought you a beer, it's too corny to cry..." -Indigo Girls

Someone I know is having a sort of milestone birthday today. Because I know that it is possibly a touchy subject, I won't give specifics on the number. However, I will give you a list of my 30 favorite things about my friend Jen.

1. She gave me a second chance even though her initial impression of me was that I was too "peppy." Go figure.

2. She runs away from me (and others for that matter) when excessive drinking has occurred.

3. Like me, she appreciates the fact that our friendship is founded on the likes of "Coke Box Head" and "Steak and Shake girl. And no, that is not a drug reference. Does anyone still have that picture?

4. She is a very talented musician and was good at almost every instrument she had to learn during her pedagogy classes in college. (I won't say which one she was not good at, but it just proves that she is actually human.)

5. She is a gifted marker make-up artist.

6. She has Pantene commercial hair.

7. She has a wicked and warped sense of humor, yet still puts up with my corny jokes.

8. She rules at playing jukebox dj - almost as much as I do.

9. She educated me on classic rock bands and introduced me to Boston.

10. She is an excellent Scrabble player - I won't play with her because she always wins.

11. She and I will never lose the bond of giggling inappropriately at Beth Holmes' horse poop story on freshman Women's Ensemble tour. Giggling inappropriately at recitals. Giggling inappropriately just about everywhere.

12. She is really a secret agent.

13. One summer, she worked in the 80's and kept me laughing with stories about all of the crazy people.

14. We have been known to share a brain.

15. She taught me how to play darts at the Player's Inn when we lived in Nashville.

16. Even though it's not what she's doing now, she is a wonderful teacher.

17. She is a great person to stand next to in choir - for the singing and the commentary.

18. She has the same size feet as Wayne Newton. I have the picture to prove it.

19. She is a woman of 1000 faces. Most of them amusing.

20. She always drives.

21. She is one of the handful of people who can make me laugh until I cry, and who has stood by me when the tears aren't so happy.

22. She's a good little cook.

23. I never once was tired of being her roommate in the 5+ years that we lived in the same place.

24. When the housemates dressed up as Kiss for Halloween, she drew a nose and whiskers on a sheet and came as the ghost of Peter Criss.

25. She has low tolerance for crappy popular music.

26. She has encouraged me to speak my mind when I needed a little courage.

27. She is the wind beneath my wings.

28. She is a good and true friend. Dr. Will Miller said so.

29. She is loyal and caring.

30. She is my dear, forever friend.

Happy Happy Day, Jennifer!

Continuing Education

"We don't need no education, we don't need no thought control - no dark sarcasm in the classroom, teacher leave them kids alone" -Pink Floyd

I think I'm getting dumber. By the minute. For some reason Liz and I were talking about IQ tests and Galactic tonight (that was the gifted program in our elementary schools) and I just now decided that I have already hit my peak. It's all downhill from here.

If I were my mother, I would go for an advanced degree. But the thought of working towards an MBA makes me ill. I can't go for a Masters in music because I am no longer in good enough shape vocally or mentally (theory and all of that was hard work for me) and besides that what would I do with it? Teach college? Voice lessons? No, I don't think so.

I am pursuing my Certified Meeting Planner (CMP) designation this year...but mostly because it is more than strongly encouraged at my company. Yet I still feel that I should try and keep sharper than I feel most days. Enter North County Continuing Education classes.

For all those not in the know, Liz and I have ventured into the exciting and surreal world of Adult Ed. in the past. We had a lovely intro to crocheting class with a teacher who told us to call her "Miss Anne." Nancy Reagan's younger sister taught us yoga and the proper way to say shante'. Liz is bettering herself this March with an intro to guitar class. So, I should jump on the bandwagon, no?

Here are some of my favorite offerings in the catalog that magically appeared in my mailbox last month:

- Archaeology of St. Louis: Mysterious Prehistoric Societies. I do love a good mystery. And I would also like to learn what "chert" is exactly. Plus I'd get to meet an ARCHAEOLOGIST!!!

- Crocheting: Beginning. I have slacked in my crochet skills. And Miss Anne is still teaching.

- Electric Slide Plus. A) This is under the category "Dance" and sub-category "Country Western." I think the Electric Slide qualifies for neither. 2) The description says it is "strictly-for-fun." Again, would this qualify? Nay, I think not.

- The Art of Belly Dancing. Nuff said.

- Hairbraiding: Beginning to Advanced. Now I can finally redeem myself for failing "French Braid" in high school!

- Firearm and Home Safety - 4 courses. There is so much here that unnerves me...the words "concealed carry," the refresher/marksmanship skills course, the instruction "DO NOT bring your gun to class."

- Basics of Yeast Breads. This is why they invented St. Louis Bread company - so I can BUY freshly made yeast breads.

- The Mole Hunter: A Seminar on Mole and Pest Solutions with Jeff Holper. The course description on this is classic. An excerpt: "Got Moles? Get Jeff! Jeff Holper, Past President of the Missouri Pest Management Association, is a popular authority on mole and pest management...Bring your questions to our lively seminar." But I do have something digging in my yard. It looks like it's digging down, not up, but maybe Jeff can shed some light (ha! moles! live in the dark!) for me.

- St. Louis and the Transcontinental Airline Passenger Experience: The Good Ole Days. Fabulous. Remind me how screwed we get on flights these days without even a bag of three pretzels to nibble on while sitting next to odiferous strangers for 2-3 hours at a time.

- How to Find and Keep the Perfect Mate. Finally! I'm ready to Unleash My Natural Ability To Attract A Perfect Mate! Then I Will Learn New Ways To Attract My Perfect Mate! And all for $7.50. I wonder if Professor James Welling is single? We could take my $7.50 and go to Arby's.

See kids? I am ready to sharpen the pencil, use my noodle, get that noggin a-workin' for me. Oh, the places I'll go!

Just another boring Tuesday...

"You tell me in your bedroom voice... c'mon honey, let's go make some noise" -Bangles

So, you want to hear about my day? Ok. Hold on to your seats, because it's a doozie.

Wake up late as usual. Remember in my morning fog that we have a visitor bringing us lunch today so I don't have to figure that out. Bonus. Get out the door at my close-to-usual time with a pbj and diet coke - the breakfast of champions. Traffic was less than annoying and the iPod is at it's shuffling finest. Get off at the exit for my work listening to "When I'm Sixty-Four" by the Beatles. Thank you iPod!

Find a spot in the rocks even though it's a little after 8am (the rocks would be the temporary parking lot at work while they finish the garage that was supposed to be done in October.) More fine tunage for the walk to the office - "Galileo" by the Indigo Girls. Get to my desk with a minimum of e-mails and voicemails to answer and actually am able to get cracking pretty well. Consult with co-worker S. about my project because of course nothing is simple and I need to bounce ideas off her. The morning passes pretty quickly with a quick check of the Slowly Boiling Frog blog to laugh at the review of last night's 24. I think about how I need to figure out how to link from my blog but am too lazy to actually do it.

Lunch with the LA CVB. New project coming in downtown LA, but I have no pull on where my groups go, so I'm here for the free lunch and entertainment. Lunch I got, entertainment not. But at least they had diet coke. I need to drink water.

I end up on a roll in the afternoon and stay until 6:45pm because I am a workaholic and overachiever. Plus it is much easier to get things done when the office is quiet. Say goodnight to the cleaning guy and plug into the iPod again for the trip home. On my way to the rocks again I think about going to the gym. Get in my car and think about just going home. Guess what wins.

Get home without pulling through some drive-through for food even though cooking sounds lame to me. Manage to make a fairly healthy dinner and get my crap together for tomorrow's lunch by the middle of American Idol. This is the last week of the show that I will actually enjoy, but I do set the VCR for the dramatic "hell week" that supposedly starts tomorrow night. I hope that Simon will get really mean and these losers aren't just crybabies. I fear I may be disappointed.

Scrubs comes on and I thoroughly enjoy the Sacred Heart Air Band. Check the video out at nbc.com because it is funny. I mull over getting up to wash the dishes but it's too cold to get off the couch. I should turn up my heat, but it's almost time for bed. I watch the second episode of Scrubs and set my cable box and VCR timers during commercials. I am not missing another week of The Office.

I come into my second bedroom/office on another commercial break for a quick e-mail check. Nothing exciting - just e-mails I should have replied to weeks ago but am too lazy to think of responses. I look at the neatly organized stacks of papers on my desk: "shred," "checkbook," "Paid Bills/File," "To Pay/review," and "Misc." I should do something with all of this stuff. But I can't pay bills until I get my paycheck on Thursday so why do anything with the rest?

Love Monkey comes on. I like Tom Cavanagh and the show is pretty good. I decide I should blog since I promised Gabe last week that I would on Tuesdays and Thursdays. But what to write about? How about my boring day?

So there you have it. I am going to go turn on my electric blanket, feed the cats, do the dishes and read for a while before falling asleep to channel 11. My glamourous day has come to an end. I know you all envy my life. :)

The bug...

“With a taste of your lips I'm on a ride - You're toxic, I'm slipping under…Tasting the poison paradise…” Dennis/Jonback/Karlsson/Winnberg

I’m still working it out of my system. Not the Spears, that’s just (mostly) harmless power pop fun to get your attention. I’m talking the icky virus that had me down and out for 24 hours straight.

I don’t get sick very often and it’s a good thing because I am a teeny tiny bit of a baby about it. Surprising, I’m sure. I’ll not fill you in on all the gory details, but let’s just say that the soup I ate last thing on Sunday night will not be on the menu for a long, long time. The sad part is I made a big batch of it and was planning to freeze and reheat, but it is all going in the garbage. I can’t even think about it without my stomach churning.

I’m on the road to wellness again, just kind of tired. I am in town for a few more weeks before I jet off to my next on-site and trying to get lots of things done both at work and on the homefront. Anyone want to come over and remove tack stripping from my floors? That’s a biggie on the project list right now.

It also looks like I am going to be looking for a new car this spring. After the demise of Levon (insert a sorrowful rendition of “Taps” here) I have been driving the functional Buick Century formerly owned by my brother. My nephew helped me dub him Mickey McGee, but honestly, we’ve never bonded. A car payment was not really on my plan for 2006, but I guess that’s life.

Enough rambling from me for the time being... be good!

There's no place like home...

"Someday I'll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far behind me, where troubles melt like lemon drops, away above the chimney tops that's where you'll find me..."

It's about time for me to click my little ruby slippers together and head on back to Kansas (close enough to Missouri, right?) friends.

The thing about Vegas is that when you're working it's the same as any other city. A little more crowded and definitely full of more annoying tourists and drunks, but I still have a job (no matter how mindless) to do. I really have no exciting stories or anecdotes to share, sadly.

I did manage to have some good times with some of my co-workers - Margaritaville is connected to our hotel so went there a couple of times. I think tonight I may gamble my limit of $20 and try to have some fun before I have to leave for the airport at 3:30am.

My little house and not so little kitties await me when I get back to the 'Lou - so I'm just counting the minutes until I get to go. Been nice visiting but time to ease on down the road.

An eternity in Sin City

"Bright light city gonna set my soul, gonna set my soul on fire; Got a whole lot of money that’s ready to burn, so get those stakes up higher..." --Pomus/Shuman (Elvis Presley)

This will be the time where you all get out your teeny tiny violins and play a sad symphony just for poor pitiful me, ok? I am stuck in Vegas for the next 10 days.

My job, which I love, has brought me to beautiful Las Vegas, Nevada to work a meeting. Work. Now, I am not one to whine (shut it) but Vegas can be a pain in the rear when you're here for a job like mine. The conference centers are a million miles from everywhere, casinos are only fun and charming at 5am when you've been up all night before, and there are a zillion tourists who wander around generally getting in the way.

But here I am, with my supply of "staff" red polo shirts and khaki pants, ready to face whatever it is that comes my way. I'm sure that all will be fine and I may actually get some sleep or take a pull on a slot machine once in a while. I'll make time for some fun - and maybe make good on my threats to get hitched! (haha!)

I was looking out at the lights from my hotel room thinking of all of those people out there looking for their big opportunity - money, excitement, love. Unfortunately, even a place like this with the opulent hotel lobbies, gourmet restaurants, and big name entertainment can't give us what we really need. Sure, it's fun to visit, but it is SO far removed from the real world.

Give me a hug from my nephew, a good laugh with my best friend, a home cooked meal any day. Actually.. in about 10 days. I'll be way overdue by then.

I'll try to post any fun stories from the road - and if I'm not too whipped I'll get to my 2005 in review for your reading pleasure.

Viva Las Vegas!

Stars. Night. Cold.

"Everyone, everyone you look so lonely...when I look at the stars I feel like myself" - Switchfoot

This song has been running through my head lately. Good riff, good hook, and I'm feeling the message. Check out Jon and the Switchfoot boys.

I should really be asleep right now. Since the New Year I have been so tired. Part of it was having too much fun, part was waking up New Year's Day with a sniffle and sore throat that had nothing to do with the fact that I was in a bar the night before, and most of it is adjusting to being back to the grind of working every day after over a week off work.

As a frugal little homeowner I have been trying to keep my heat down since I am home so little during the day and I would like to be a little bit energy conscious. (my father is snorting at this since when I lived at home all I would do is complain about being cold.) So, I am cold. My fingers are freezing and when I wrap up on the couch to watch a little TV I have to pull the blanket around my nose.

The new routine is that about a half hour or so before I go to bed, I turn on my nifty new little electric blanket that I got for Christmas. Then when I finally pop my little eskimo toes (oh, yes... I don't like socks either) into bed it is toasty warm. The cats LOVE it and end up on top of my feet for most of the night. The only problem is that I wake up sweating halfway through the night - but I guess nothing is perfect.

So I guess it's about time for me to go snuggle up with my stuffy nose and go to sleep. Stay warm, wherever you are.

Ok, I'm really starting... For real... I mean it!

I am rather pathetic, I admit it. I have this tendency to start things that seem like a fun and good idea and then leave them to wither away untended when things get busy.

But, I am a "try and try again" type of girl so I thought I would work on this little project again. I finally will have a nice workspace in my office/guest bedroom/multi-purpose room in my new little house so maybe being diligent will come more easily.

As you'll see on down the line, I've posted some past journals from the website for you all to reminisce along with me. I've decided to only add starting in 2004 - I may work on getting 2003 posted someday but for now that's all you're getting. :)

On my honor, I will try to be good about posting new ramblings, not to neglect for months on end, and to live by the Girl Scout Law.

The longest week ever...

Not really sure why this week is dragging on into oblivion but I have been wishing for Friday since about Tuesday night. Not a good start to the week.

I have been trying to be a good girl this week - getting enough sleep, walking in the evenings, eating better. So why am I just as whipped as I usually am on a Thursday evening? I don't get it.

Last night I went to go see "Beauty and the Beast" at the Muny (for those non-St. Louisans, this is the "municipal opera" where they put on about 6 or 7 musicals starting in late June through August). Let's suffice to say that it was hot last night. Plus, there were a zillion cars parked in every available space in Forest Park so we had to drive around for 20+ minutes to luck out and actually get a space that wasn't a mile away...I'm not complaining - it was lovely.

Hard to believe that it's time for the Muny already - how did it get to be late June? This means that my summer is about to take off full steam ahead (no pun intended) and I'll be pretty busy.

Nothing much more exciting to say for today. I'm starting to post my old journals from the website on here - so look to those for anything of substance for the time being! ;)

The Killers in the 'Lou

“While I ignore that we’ve both felt like this before, it starts to show…And if the answer is no, can I change your mind?” The Killers

I'm really upset that the Killers concert in STL is still sold out. Didn't any of those people who had tickets for the original show date have anything to do on the night they rescheduled? I'm bitter.

So, as you can all tell, A) It's been forever since I wrote my last entry and B) I haven't really told anyone that I started doing this. But my goal is to get the word out very soon so someone is actually reading my random posts.

June got off to a bumpy start for me, folks. More angst than I typically prefer - but I'm getting over it. And I feel like I've learned more about myself in the process...relationship garbage is not necessarily fun, but I suppose it's neccesary. I have decided that it is the summer of Cara - it's all about me from now on, folks.

I'm working on another big grown-up step for my life - I am trying to buy a house. Of course, with my luck nothing is never easy or cut and dry, so it's taking a while to get there. And I may still have to walk away from the deal if all doesn't get ironed out pretty soon. But it is kind of exciting. And completely terrifying.

Other than that...life is pretty much normal. It's starting to feel like summer in St. Louis. Happy Solstice Day! (anyone remember Soulstice? You girls rocked.) I'll try to be better about the blogging, so check up on me and yell if I am totally delinquent.

Yes, I am a Journal Committment-Phobe

“You can take me down, you can show me your home…not the place where you live but the place where you belong” --Glen Phillips (Toad the Wet Sprocket)

About a year or so ago I was doing really well at sending my thoughts out into the vast unknown via my own website but for some reason got out of the habit. It probably has something to do with the fact that I have journaling commitment issues. I would always start a journal growing up and months would pass between entries. I always try again, but know it’s just who I am.

My friend Elizabeth is my journal hero – she has always been great about keeping up with one. So, thanks to her good influence on me and also to Jackie who reminded me that blogger is out there, I am starting my own little corner again. Once I get into this, I will work on trying to add my older journals from the website

Honestly, my head has been so full the last few weeks that I am not sure where to start. Sometimes I look at my life and just wonder “how did I get here?” I guess that it’s just from walking down the road – one foot then the next… It hurts sometimes. Other times the travels are filled with joy and laughter. The way I see it, that is how it’s supposed to be. We could never appreciate the good times if they weren’t tempered by the not-so-good (ok, the downright cry-your-eyes-out horrible times as well).

Thank God for my foundation. I am not as strong as I look, but I am stronger than I feel. I take comfort in other people’s faith in me. In the faith I hold on to daily. I have enough to keep me sane and desire more to keep me moving in the right direction. Be blessed.

05.11.04

"When my soul was in the lost and found, you came along to claim it... I didn't know just what was wrong with me 'til your kiss helped me name it..." Carole King

How sad is it that I had to go through and read my journals from April and March, as scarce as they were, to figure out what has been going on with me lately? Pathetic, I know. By this time, you have all given up on me or just stopped caring about my little ramblings...but I'm back again, kiddos. Even if the only person who reads this is me wondering what the heck was going on in my life at a certain point, these journals are worth it to me.

So, let's see... what's new? Work. I am still searching for that perfect opportunity. I am currently working two jobs because I am crazy, one downtown at a title company (which is a learning experience) and one at the other end of the earth at Starbucks. I just can't give the coffee up quite yet. I have been complaining about the fact that I haven't had a day off in over 2 weeks, but that will be remedied soon enough. I can suck it up.

Music. Despite my attempts to move out of my new comfort zone of the lovely Atomic Cowboy, I have not booked any new gigs in town. BAD Cara! I do have a list of open mic nights that I want to check out, and am trying to get scheduled at a friend's coffee shop in Alton, IL. I have been playing and writing a few new songs, so the next step for me is to work up a set list and start pounding the pavement. Also, I am in the process of working on a new press kit for my "singer/songwriter" persona as well as my "professional soloist" side...I just need to have time to actually sit down and put that stuff together. I'm also going to audition for the St. Louis Symphony Chorus this month - back in choir again! (yay!)

Other. I'm still trying to take care of myself. Trying to figure out what I want for my life. Making new friends but keeping the old. Things aren't perfect, but they are pretty durn good. I am so fortunate to have wonderful family and friends, to be able to work and play, to have the freedom to keep searching for fulfillment and meaning and purpose in my life.

Things may or may not slow down anytime soon - who knows? Keep checking in with me and I will try to give you something to read from time to time, even if it's nothing more than random thoughts from little old me. :)

Keep on living, keep on loving.

04.13.04

"We were surprised when we found out that love feels just like pain...I always heard I could get hurt, I knew that from the start, break my face, my back, my arms, my neck, but please don't break my heart" --K's Choice

I admit it. I am kind of a crier. As a kid, I would cry at sad stories (Disney's "Small One" was a big boo hoo-fest), sad songs (Puff the Magic Dragon always got me – DO NOT laugh!), seeing animals run over on the side of the road, and even touching TV commercials (and who didn’t cry at Kleenex commercials, anyway?)

As I got older, there was maybe a little less crying, but I would still be very empathetic to other people’s pain and loneliness. It always made me sad to see older people eating alone in restaurants for some reason…I have been made fun of for that one frequently.

As an artist, it’s good to be in touch with your emotions. You need to soul search and have a little heartbreak to write good songs – at least the kind that I like the best. Give me a rip-your-heart-out ballad with a bittersweet melody and I am in my element. I’m likely to play it 100 times and learn every word and note until I can sing it by heart. And I might just cry about it, too.

Call me melodramatic, call me a romantic, call me emotional. I’d rather lead with my heart than my head – even if it gets me hurt in the process. There are days when I feel cynical or jaded or just fed up with this life, like anyone. But I want to be like that little girl who wears her heart on her sleeve, who doesn’t build a fortress to keep safe from hurt, who cries when Lassie comes home.

So, go ahead and tell me I’m a crybaby. I’m sensitive. And I’d like to stay that way.