From the Mixed Up Files of Ms. You-Know-Who

It's a new dawn, it's a new day...and I'm feeling good?

2011-02-17T22:27:00.000-06:00

2011. It's been quite a year already.

I've been feeling a little kicked around over the last several weeks, and I am done with it. So, here's to a fresh start, a new day, and some good things on the horizon.

One of my goals for this year was to get myself back into the groove of posting to this blog. This is one tiny baby step, which I feel are always best taken at 10:23 on a Thursday night after paying bills. Don't you?

My hope is to be diligent about posting news about all the good and exciting things in my life, which are plentiful. There will definitely be talk of the upcoming wedding...I am excited to be a Mrs. later this year!

But, for tonight, a bit of the proverbial turn of the page on the blog and that's about all I can do. Stay tuned!

Slacker = Me

2006-10-21T17:49:00.000-05:00

"I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me?" --Beck

I am tres terrible. Has it really been almost 2 months since I have blogged on here? Bad, bad, bad Cara!!!

I am jealous of Jen's trip to Seattle and her fab blog about it (check her out here) and so I am going to do a quick update with more empty promises about being a better blogger. This is exactly what I would do when I tried to keep a diary throughout my life... good for a while, then months, maybe years pass with me looking back and wondering what the heck was going on with me. Because this blog is really mostly for me to look back on my life - only a select few care that much about my little world, and that is fine with me.

Ok. Here goes. And I meant it when I said this would be quick. I need to go clean up for dinner in about 5-10 minutes.

August. I went to Denver. It was lovely, I mostly behaved myself at our Annual Meeting (there was one night I lost my cell phone and had a LOT to drink, but all was good.) I stayed with my cousin again at his place in the mountains and had a grand time. Watched a lot of LOGO and this marathon of Noah's Arc. Check it out, it is fun.

September. The beginning of the month is a bit of a blur. I was in town. My mom had a birthday. My boss quit. Then I went to Dallas around the 20th or so for an age. My brother's dog, Dozer died while I was out of town and it was traumatic for the fam. I spent most of the day after I found out crying in corners while I wasn't working (I am sensitive. I cry when I see a dog or cat on the side of the road). The boy applied for and got a new job and I was very excited for him.

October. Again, I am losing clarity on the beginning of the month. Work has been very busy and hectic. I know that Lost season 2 came out on DVD and I had a marathon at the boy's house. My Dad finished his last MBA class. We had a picnic with the Beckerle side of the family at Creve Coeur park which was fun. I came to San Antonio to work a meeting, and will be in Texas until Tuesday.

Upcoming in my little life. I will visit Nashville in November (for a quick planning meeting) and December (longer time - about 7 days). I turn 30 November 8th. I will have been living in my house for 1 year the first week of November (I actually am officially a year into being a homeowner as of 10/20). I still like the boy, and he hasn't gotten tired of me in the last 6 months. I am looking forward to the holidays, some down time, and a happy new year.

So, that's it, ladies and germs. Your sporadic update on the happenings in my life that I am able to remember when I sit down to blog. There may be more, but the old noodle isn't what it used to be. :)

Love to all!

On the Road Again

2006-08-22T20:33:00.000-05:00

"Lord, I was born a ramblin' man, Tryin' to make a livin' and doin' the best I can...And when it's time for leavin', I hope you'll understand, that I was born a ramblin' man." Allman Brothers

Have I yet mentioned that fall gets really busy for me? Well, fall is started. The kids are back in school and I am ramping up for my biggest meetings of the year in September and December. There is lots of work to be done and I am just the girl to do it. :)

It's been a busy couple of weeks so time to catch you up.

Had people in town and did the STL tour guide thing. I made an itinerary because that is what I do and it was pretty fun. The highlights for me were the Zoo and the Missouri Botanical Garden

We didn't get to see the new baby elephant like I wanted to - but I will see her sometime this fall! Isn't she cute? If you go to the website you can help name her.

Also at the zoo we saw the tiger and rode the train. It was fun fun fun. I sound like I am a 10-year-old so I will move along.

I think that Dale Chihuly is amazing. The exhibition at the garden was beautiful and we had a great day to just walk around. I took a zillion pictures with my camera phone, which I will share with you, but I couldn't get a good shot of the one piece I liked the best - the chandelier under the bridge in the Japanese Garden. Isn't it beautiful?

I also loved the installation at the reflecting pond. My pics aren't as good as the professional one but I had fun taking them!

And more - herons, hornets, swans, lots of pretty amazing art glass. I decided not to spend $5000 on a bowl. But I thought about it for a delusional second.

This weekend I went to Chicago to see Jen. We had a lovely time, saw other friends, and ate & drank too much. We walked on the lake and saw the end of the Air Show with the Blue Angels. That was cool.

We also saw Talladega Nights and laughed and laughed.

Sunday night was an odd night. We went to see a show at The Second City (funny) and then went to one of Jen's favorite dive bars, the Dubble Bubble. Many adventures ensued, but one of the highlights of the night was later on in the evening (or in the morning) when we went to Carol's Pub and I sang "Crazy" and "Stand By Your Man" with the band. It was fun and we stayed out way past my bedtime.

Monday we went to lunch on Michigan Avenue and decided to go into the American Girl Place for some inappropriate giggles at the frightening army of dolls there. I think the workers there take things quite seriously so we tried our best to behave. But that didn't stop me from taking some funny pictures.

Here is Jen playing the guitar. And me getting ready to wash my face. And Brian and Brockman with their scary doll twins. We saw lots of obnoxious spoiled children and I vowed to never take a daughter there for high tea. That place is seriously twisted.

I'm leaving again Sunday for Denver for our company's annual meeting. It is always a good old time and I am sure that I will have stories to tell!

Be good!

This is a lot of information - READYSETGO!

2006-08-09T09:59:00.000-05:00

"We're gonna rock down to Electric Avenue"

I am finally getting around to updating the blog. Now, I know I talk about being a slacker constantly and of course this is proven by nearly two months of inactivity on this site. However, I have been updating my myspace page on a much more regular basis. For some reason I feel like the blogger page is more “official” and I have to have sort of sense of purpose or at least complete sentences on this page. I can’t explain this thought process with any sense of rhyme or reason, though. I do feel bad about not keeping people who are not on myspace up to date on my life, no matter how small and insignificant those updates may be.

So (drumroll please) you are not only going to be blessed with a synopsis of the most recent events in my life, I am going to treat you with a string of the myspace blog entries since my last time on this page. Don’t get too excited…I am not promising insight or depth but it will give you a peek into my crazy mixed up brain!

About 3 weeks ago, I got first-hand experience on the effects of the largest power outage in St. Louis history. There were two storms that knocked out upwards of 600,000 people in the metro area – and I’ve seen some reports of closer to the 1 million mark some places. I was talking to the boy on the phone when the first rolled through Wednesday, July 19th from my meeting in DC and the winds were very, very bad. Some places experienced somewhere around 90 mph winds from what I’ve read.

My arrival home on Thursday was then, of course, to a hot and dim house. I was really hoping for the power to go back on Thursday night not knowing how bad we had been hit, so that didn’t happen. After an evening of dinner and a movie (and air conditioning) I ended up staying at a friend’s house because it was so darn hot. Why work couldn’t have been affected by the outage, I don’t know, but I had to go in on Friday. That morning another intense storm blew through and took out even more homes in the area, just as they were starting to work on getting things repaired.

No power still on Friday. Stayed with the boy. No power still on Saturday. Went home to check on the cats, pack a bag, and throw away the spoiled food in my freezer & fridge. Sang at a wedding that was relocated because of the outage. Moved to the parents’ house for the next 5 days, periodically checking on the kitties and obsessively checking the Ameren website for how many people were still without power and my own little “personal outage” page that kept telling me I had no power. I became completely obsessed with the discussion of the outage and the hope that one day I might be able to go home. The urge to be in my own space and own bed after I am gone for work is pretty strong, but again, it was July in St. Louis where heat and humidity rule. I am not insane. It was HOT.

Wednesday the boy and I went out to dinner and returned to my neighborhood in hopes that the power would be back on and we could watch a movie or something. As we pulled along the main road, I started seeing porch lights on the houses burning, igniting the little flame of hope in my heart. Turning into the front part of the subdivision, there were more porch lights on. I was really excited at this point. Alas, when we pulled onto my street everything was still dark. I almost cried I was so disappointed, as this day marked 12 days since I my life had been “normal.”

Thursday was an interesting day at work. I was semi-conned into going to a golf event for work. When I was approached all non-golfers were encouraged to go, it was going to be just some fun and there were golf carts and beer in the picture. A couple days before the event I find out that I actually have to play golf in a foursome. Wha-wha-what? This is not what I signed up for. I attempted to weasel out of it but my arm was twisted and I ended up going. Now, don’t feel too sorry for me. I did get paid for spending a day on the golf course. And I actually had fun. I am terrible, but every time I made contact with the ball I felt pretty ok about myself. The few times I actually made it fly more than 10 feet were pretty exhilarating, to be honest. The boys (of course it was all guys) were very kind and coached me well. It’s not something that I would do every day, but it was surprisingly fun.

As I was sitting in the clubhouse having a drink after the game (yes, I said clubhouse, and yes, it was still me and the boys club) my cell rings. E-liz is calling to tell me she stopped by my house and THE POWER IS ON!!!!!!!! I think I actually shed a tear over this. Being the great friend she is, she closed the windows and turned down the air and I got to sleep in my own bed that night. It was so joyful!

I got to spend three beautiful nights in my own house with my own stuff in my own bed before my family left for Hilton Head, SC for vacation. We had a great time – spent time on the beach, at the pool (and the pool bar), took a couple of boat rides, saw dolphins, collected shells, held an alligator, went putt-putting, ate out and watched movies. It was completely relaxing and so what I needed. After a week, I was ready to come home and see my boy, see the kitties and sleep in my own bed. (I talk a lot about sleeping in my own bed… weird because it’s not like it is a super comfortable mega bed or anything. It’s actually kind of a piece of crap and I need a new mattress. But I guess it is my piece of crap.)

So now, it’s back to the grind. August is busy and then it’s just a race to the end of the year. I’m traveling a lot for work, so I know it will fly by. And there you have my life story of the last few weeks. Enjoy the other entries below and relish in the excitement that is my life!

Saturday, August 05, 2006
i'm back
i'm tired.
i'll have to fill you in on my little life later.
kisses.

Saturday, July 29, 2006
VACATION
i'm going on vacation tomorrow! yay! a week on the beach is just what the doctor ordered.

i will have to entertain you with stories about my power outage (it's back on), golfing (i sucked) and more when i get back.
be good. :)

Wednesday, July 26, 2006
day seven as a transient
still no power. i am trying to keep a positive attitude (you know me, polly positive) but i am getting whiny about it.

i want to go hooooooooooooooooooome! and sleep in my oooooownnnnn bed! waaaaaaaaaaaaah!

whew! glad that is out of my system. i am hopeful the power will be back on tomorrow. tomorrow, i love ya, tomorrow. you're only a day away. and now i am just slap-happy and stupid and boring the tar out of all of you. so i'll stop.

remind me to tell you about me golfing tomorrow. should be entertaining. or something.

Saturday, July 22, 2006
three days and counting
i am still without power at my house. it went out weds night while i was still out of town and hasn't gone back on yet. for me and about 300,000 other people in STL.

i have been a vagabond the last few nights, sleeping at different places with AC and am at my folks' house tonight. i've been back to check on the cats, pick up laundry to do here, clean out my freezer of about $60 of spoiled food, and pack an overnight bag for who knows how many nights.

please ameren, make my block the next block you fix. i've been home for days and still have yet to sleep in my own bed (although I'm not complaining about the bed I slept in last night).

Tuesday, July 18, 2006
oh say can you see...
i can see the washington monument from my hotel room.
i can see a glass of wine on the desk in front of me.
i can see the awesome highlights that my hairdresser jim gave me about 10 days ago.
i can see my reflection looking damn tired in the mirror.
i can see the end of my meeting happening very soon.
soon and very soon i will be coming back home, sleeping in my own bed, driving the new jeep, hanging with the boy, being very happy to be home again.

Saturday, July 15, 2006
cara + camera phone= DANGER!
hi y'all. i'm in DC for work. Not working tonight, but tomorrow the madness ensues.

i recently got a new camera phone (thank you motorola for making crap phones that keep breaking and getting me upgrades for free) and have been snapping random pics A LOT. often whilst drinking. or sitting around my house with the cats. and it also brings out my vanity as i try to get a cute shot of myself. i am a dork.

anyway, just found out how to get them off my phone and onto the web. probably costing me an arm and a leg because it's through t-mobile, but hopefully the boy can help me figure out a better way someday.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006
YAR!
Went to see the new "Pirates" movie tonight. It was fun and entertaining. My boyfriend Johnny Depp is adorable.

However, the favorite quote of the night was this: "Billy Ocean is a bossy pimp." And it started with a conversation about the movie - figure that one out.

Liz is getting a t-shirt with that quote. She will be the envy of many.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006
the name game
much better today and it's not even because i had two beers tonight!

i have exciting news! my dad bought a new car so i get to buy his jeep! i am so happy to have AC, a radio, and a sunroof i can hardly stand it.

so, the search is out for a name for the new wheels. my rules are simple:

1) the name has to be a "real person" name (not "car" or "green hornet" or anything like that)
2) it has to be a male name. girls drive boy cars.
3) it has to "fit" the type of car. mine is a dark purple jeep grand cherokee, somewhere in the early to mid 90s model year.

ideas anyone?

Sunday, July 09, 2006
yuck
i'm kind of schmoopy tonight.

earlier this evening was fun...hanging with my girl marcie for her birthday - i sucked at bowling and played the jukebox.

but now i'm home and moping around watching dumb chick movies. i need to just go to bed and start again tomorrow. fresh start, all that jazz.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006
a bunch of random crap, or my typical blog
today was the first day back to work after a lovely 4-day weekend. it was not too terribly bad but I still didn't want to be there.

my 4th was excellent; BBQ, pool, drinks, a little smooching... it was all good

i love Dane Cook's Tourgasm on HBO. i'm watching them throw things into Niagara Falls right now.

i have about a zillion mosquito bites. trying very hard not to scratch.

my wrist is finally feeling better but my shoulder is currently hurting. i am an f-ing mess.

the cats are snoozing on the couch. i wish they would go and do something productive like clean their catbox or vacuum. they totally don't pull their weight.

i have nothing else exciting to report, i was going to reminisce about independence days of yore but am too lazy to think that hard. so you get this load of crap. wallow in it because you love me.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006
wasting time
that's all i did last night. totally unproductive and lazy on the couch. of course, it's my one "free" evening this week so i should have done a little more, but did i care? no.

and this morning it's hard to get started. i was gung ho for about 15 minutes when I first got to the office but now i have no desire to do the project i really need to work on.

ugh. so i'm blogging and wasting a few more minutes before i HAVE to dig into it.

oh, and it is weird/hard to type right now. my wrist has been hurting for a while and mom diagnosed me with tendonitis. i bought a wrist brace to sleep in, and it didn't help that much so now i am wearing to to work in as well and it is weird and i look like a geek.

ok. that's it. gotta get my rear in gear.

Friday, June 23, 2006
Feeling the love
Wow, the last three comments i've gotten make me feel so loved! I would love to come and visit all of my friends...let's take a look and the travel plans of your wandering friend, me.

July: I'll be in DC for about a week. Anyone I know live close to there?

August: More personal travel planned here - first week I am trying to get to Hilton Head, SC with the fam. Come see me at the beach if you are close! Then mid-month I do have a Chicago trip planned. I will be staying with Jen, but would love to try and catch up with friends in Chicagoland (Kasi?) Then the end of the month I am in Denver and will be catching up with the fam.

September: I'll be in Dallas for a meeting towards the end of the month.

October: I'll be in San Antonio mid-month for work - big Texas meetings two months in a row. May also swing over to Austin for a few days while I'm in the neighborhood.

November: Tentatively may go to a planning meeting in Nashville. If I do end up going, I will probably stay extra to try and catch up with people.

December: Big meeting in Nashville, extending the trip is still TBD.

and that's the year, folks. As you can see, most of the travel is for work so I might slip in another personal trip here or there. Unfortunately Minnesota isn't on the roster, Aaron. :(

See why more and more vacation for me is being able to stay at the house and hang with the kitties?

I get to leave work in less than an hour - I am so stoked!

Thursday, June 22, 2006
Girls Night!
Dinner + Drinks + More Drinks + Girl Talk = Fun

Tuesday, June 20, 2006
sometimes things work out
isn't that nice?

when you don't expect it, life puts a gem in front of you. it might be in the form of a random encounter turning into a friendship (or more), a new opportunity when you were at the end of your rope, someone reaching out to you when you needed to get out of your head...

call it grace or karma or whatever you believe, i'm just thankful for the times when it happens.

now if i could just get this mosquito bite on my ankle to stop itching all would be right with the world.

(((AND...SCENE!)))

You all will be so proud of me

2006-06-20T22:38:00.000-05:00

"You're a shining star, no matter who you are" Earth, Wind & Fire

I have been very productive today - nothing majorly exciting but I'm trying to be better about blogging. So here you go - my glamtastic life:

*Managed to get up on time this morning and get to work by 7:30am on my summer hours schedule. I'm still not a "morning person" but I'm trying to get my body used to waking up a half hour earlier.

*Work was pretty good - I was able to focus, get some projects completed and felt decent about it overall. Had a healthy lunch that I cooked last night and didn't get swayed by the McDonalds run.

*Although I really wanted to go out to dinner, my girl Karla helped me stay strong and resist temptation to eat bad mexican food. Instead I went home and cooked (again! I know!) another yummy yet healthy meal with leftovers for lunches.

*I am a little sick and wrong, but it actually felt good to do housework tonight. With just me and the cats it never gets too bad, but with all the cooking there have been a lot of dishes to wash lately. (And even more sick and wrong, I don't really mind doing them by hand all that much.) I cleaned the kitchen, emptied trash, folded and PUT AWAY laundry, tidied my room and the bathroom, and paid bills.

*While watching one of the best shows on HBO, Entourage, I pulled out the mini-trampoline and exercised for about 40 minutes.

And now I am sitting on the couch with a cat on each side, watching sitcoms in syndication and blogging. I have been such a good girl all night long. I deserve a prize. Or a gold star. Or ONE MILLION DOLLARS!!!

Reward me for my good and responsible behavior. :)

Summer!

2006-06-19T21:26:00.000-05:00

"Summertime and the living is easy, fish are jumpin' and the cotton is high..."

Two days until summer, ladies and gentlemen! Time for lazy days at the pool, grilling out, sno-cones, baseball, and long evenings watching fireflies.

One of my favorite things about summer is the produce. Fresh peaches and watermelon and asparagus... yum! Dad kept a garden for several years when we were growing up and summer always meant tomatoes, tomatoes, and more tomatoes. There would always be so many they'd have to be eaten, given away, and stashed in the deep freeze for later. Then in the fall and winter he'd thaw them out for making the best spaghetti sauce and homemade chili.

My office has "summer hours" and mine started this week. Basically, you get assigned 3 weeks during the course of the summer where you can work 9 hour days Monday-Thursday and then get out a half day on Friday. Pretty sweet on Friday, but adjusting to getting up an hour earlier is always tough for me. My goal now is to get used to it this week so I can start getting up earlier and exercising in the mornings. We shall see how that pans out.

Another summer tradition starts this week - season tickets for the Municipal Opera (The "Muny") in St. Louis' fabulous Forest Park. I always enjoy sitting out under the stars watching a classic musical - it is often hot, but usually worth it!

We celebrated Father's Day yesterday at Mom & Dad's - pool time and appreciating the great guys in our lives. My Dad, Grandpa, brother and uncle were honored for being the wonderful fathers that they are.

Work has continued to chug along and keep me very busy. I am on a hiatus from travel for a few more weeks, then off to a meeting in Washington, DC in July. I have a LOT to get finalized before I go, so I know the next month is going to be crazy. I'm trying to work out going on a short vacation in August but we will see how that goes.

Hope the ice cream man stops at your house tonight!

Crazy Crazy Crazy

2006-05-22T20:43:00.000-05:00

Things have been crazy lately. I can hardly believe it is almost the end of May already... this month is flying by. If I was on my game I would have some fabulous insights about my life and how I'm living it. But I have just been too busy to be philosophical, to be honest.

So, my recent life in synopsis:

Denver: This is where you found me last. My work there went very well, I enjoyed some much needed down time with my family there, and was glad to be home again.

More Travel: I went to New York City for a whirlwind weekend/training session for work. I love the city. If it wasn't a) so far away from my family and b) so expensive I would really like living there for a while. After that, I went to Albuquerque for my cousin's graduation and spent some more quality fam time. Lots of time in airports and on planes that week!

Work: Wow, it has been busy. My work buddy resigned recently, which is a bummer. I took on some additional work as a result, and have been scrambling ever since. However, I know that I do better under pressure, so I will (eventually) be fine. On deck for the next few months of travel are a local meeting in downtown STL, DC in July, Denver in August, Dallas in September.

And in the rest of my life: The fam is good, the house is cute, the cats are fat. My awesome nephew is the cutest t-ball player ever and finishes kindergarten pretty soon. I'm less single than I've been in a while and enjoying it a lot. Things are good.

I'll try to be more regular on my updates - but you know me. Best laid plans...

Timing is Everything

2006-04-22T14:12:00.000-05:00

"Time will do the talking, years will do the walking, I just find a comfy spot and I wait it out - Time will tell you baby, what you can't hear now" -Patty Griffin

It's sometimes amazing to me how much comes down to timing. Career, relationships, getting a good parking spot - if you're not in the right place at the right time it may not happen.

I've been mulling over the whole timing thing lately. It's hard for my inner control freak to accept the fact that I might not be in charge of how things come out in the end. Of course, I have an impact on the outcome, but when I comes down to it I'm just a player in this crazy thing called life. Once I learn to let go of the reigns I am a much happier person.

I'm in Denver this week for work. Things are done, getting ready to have our little walk-through of the event and start the ball rolling. It should be fun. Then I get to spend a little time with my family who lives here, which I am really looking forward to.

Looking out my hotel room window to the mountains is pretty cool. I am very thankful that I get to do what I love and see places like this - even if I will mostly see the inside of a hotel for the next 5 days straight. It almost makes me not miss what I have waiting for me at home. Almost.

I'll try and post more from the Mile High City - hope that I don't get an altitude headache like I did the last time I was here.

Clarity

2006-04-17T17:14:00.000-05:00

“It may not be the way I would have chosen when you lead me through a world that’s not my home, but You never said it would be easy…You only said I’d never go alone” --Ginny Owens

I don’t regret a minute of it. And I’m ok. Really, truly, not lying to anyone or myself. Believe me, I’ve searched to the innermost depths and I am just fine in this place.

I can’t say that I totally understand the purpose behind the events of the last few weeks. Maybe it was for me to see where I stand and for what I won’t stand. Or to remind me that there is hope, there is a plan, there is a purpose. Even if I don’t always get it. I know what’s in my heart. I believe in myself and know what’s true.

Oh, you all warned me because you love me. I love you for that. Thanks for letting me talk it out and not judging me for doing what my heart told me to do. My decision to take a risk even if it might hurt a little along the way was the right one. Sometimes you have to be broken to find out who you are. Funny thing is, I’m not anywhere near broken. That saying “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” as annoying as it may be when you feel like the world is crashing down on you, is actually pretty true. I’m stronger for the things I’ve walked through.

What will be will be. That’s all I know, and for now it’s enough.

Open House!

2006-03-26T19:40:00.000-06:00

"You can take me down, you can show me your home... not the place where you live but the place where you belong" --Toad the Wet Sprocket

Oh my it has been way too long since I blogged. I am not keeping my end of the bargain.

I have been planning and preparing for the official coming out party for my cute little house and that has meant lots of finishing touches have taken center stage. Curtains! Artwork! Rugs! Organization! I have kind of felt a little bit like HGTV around here lately.

I got really really irrationally mad at a shelf the other day. A shelf, you say? Yea, a shelf. On the outside, it looks all cute and cool and like it should be a piece of cake to hang on the freaking wall. However, I am convinced it has the soul of the devil and has managed to foil nails, screws, counter-sink devices, wall tabs... you name it, it won't help make it hang straight and not lean askew at a 25 degree angle off the wall. Finally, after it pissed me off enough I yanked the screws out along with pieces of my (beautifully painted) wall. I have now spackled, will touch up paint and if worse comes to worse buy another picture or something to hang on the poor abused drywall.

Other than that, the house is cute and mostly ready for its cotillion this weekend. The rugs look lovely, curtains are hanging cheerfully, and I just have to clean my butt off before people come over because I have been slacking off the last week or three. Does anyone have any ideas on how I can get my cats to stop tracking cat litter all over the house? Little tiny houseshoes?

I will try and figure out how to post pictures of the extreme cuteness that is my house, but don't hold your breath. You know me.

Don't drink, don't smoke, what do you do?

2006-03-10T22:56:00.000-06:00

"When I get back I will dream in Barnes and Noble's, oh leave me here oh leave me where angels fear to tread" --Rufus Wainwright

I fear I'm getting old and responsible.

Now, granted, I am typically the one who is the goody-two-shoes rule-follower. Overall, I would say I am dependable. But I occasionally have those moments when I get a little crazy, color outside the lines, act irresponsibly. My problem is that I keep doing things that make it more difficult to do those kind of things on a regular basis.

The house, for example. I LOVE my house. It is the cutest place ever, it's cozy and warm and very me. It occupies my time and my mind though. I shouldn't go to happy hour because I need to do "x" at the house. I don't need to buy those cute shoes because I need to re-grout my tub. I need to stay in this week because I have to pay my electric bill, mortgage, etc. You get the picture.

The job is another encumberment. Again, enjoying the job. (Love is too strong a word for anything I have to get up before 9am on a regular basis for. I do it, not enamoured with the concept.) I find myself working late, bringing work home, dreaming about meetings. It's a little unnerving. I'm not on some huge corporate track. I don't want the climb any ladders or break any glass ceilings (unless I'm with Willy Wonka on a glass elevator. Then, game over.) or race any rats. I just want to do my little job the best I can and make it work with my life. Still the workaholic genes rear their ugly little heads.

My friends are all starting to turn 30. I'm trying to decide if it's a big deal. I have until November to get used to it, so I have started saying it's my age now. I remember when that seemed so far away and so grown up. But now, not so much. There are more people in my life over that age than not.

I think I can come to terms with the responsible part. It's my natural tendency. And you're only as old as you act. So I can get wild and crazy with the best of them - just in moderation. And as long a I make sure I'm in bed by 11pm.

80 degrees and I can't complain

2006-02-21T20:43:00.000-06:00

"It's a world of laughter, a world of tears...it's a small world after all"

Oh, who am I kidding? I can always complain. I am in the land where every child's dreams come true. And I would all like them to keep quiet and out of my way, please.

However, the fact that it was a beautiful day today and I had lunch/dinner out on the pool deck this evening are not too bad. I'm in Orlando for work, and I have realized why people come to Florida in the winter. It's warm here. And the sun is shining. Niiiiiiiice.

A couple of random things I've been thinking about:

MUSIC QUIZ: STARTS STRONG, FIZZLES TO FINISH
I thought that I found the best new game in the world on my iPod on the plane ride here. It's "Music Quiz" where it takes selections from your music library and you have to guess which song it is. This might sound easy - it's my music library, right? I should know all the songs.

A couple of complications to that theory. I currently have approximately 2000 songs on my iPod. I am a teeny tiny bit of a purist, and most of the music I've put on there is full album material. I am just starting to pick and choose some songs from albums in my catalog and not put every track on there (i.e. ABBA "Gold," Paula Abdul "Forever Your Girl"). I do have some restraint in my obsessive quest to get my entire music collection on the iPod.

Although I do know a goodly number of the songs since I started with my favorites and have been working alphabetically or with new purchases since - there are still a lot of songs on there. I might know the artist, but the title escapes me (most of the newer Tori Amos). The iPod also gets tricky and starts at a random spot in the song. If it's on some rock guitar instrumental break, I may not be able to tell right away.

It does start taking titles away as you listen to more, but you get fewer points the slower you are. And I like getting points. Also, the click wheel selection can trip you up. Bastard.

All in all, a fun game the first couple of times I played it. By the third time (when I decided I wanted to play 100 rounds and see what my percentage would be - 99%) the songs started playing over and over again, though. 2000 songs and "Holland" by Ryan Adams or "Girl Can't Help It" by Journey are on 75% of the rounds? Disappointing.

My new favorite game was tainted.

MOBILE OFFICE MY FOOT
When I travel for work, it is expected that I also keep doing some my regular job functions as if I were in the office. I try. I really really do. I am dutiful at checking my e-mail and replying to people to let them know that I am still alive. I call in to the office on a daily basis to make sure there are no "fires" to be put out, which never happens. Usually, someone just gets on to say hi because our office is crazy and we like each other too much. I bring work with me with the best intentions of actually accomplishing something.

But it never happens. Even on a night like tonight where it was a pretty easy day and I had some free time. Screw doing work. I totally can't make the transition from being at a meeting to working on other meetings. I have a complete mental block against it.

It's not because I don't want to. It's because I can't.

SUDDENLY SUSAN? RELUCTANTLY KATHY.
Some people hate Kathy Griffin. I have been annoyed with her in the past. But I am watching her on Bravo right now, and she is pretty funny. To me, at least. Right this very minute. And that's all that matters.

SHOES AND CASHEWS
I was really not ready for the warm weather. I bought a $14 pair of flip flops in the gift shop because I was excited to let my toes breathe. I had to resist the $10 "souvenier bottle" of cashews in the mini bar last night. These trips can get expensive.

That's all for now from sunny central Florida. Enjoy your winter, I'll be back by the time it gets cold again this weekend!

Salmonfish

2006-02-14T17:12:00.000-06:00

"Have you seen the little piggies rolling in the dirt?" -Beatles

Once upon a time, there was a chinese buffet restaurant. It was much beloved by all of my co-workers for the excellent selection, but most of all for the entertainment value. In the interest of protecting the innocent, I won't give the real name - in our office it was simply known as "Salmonfish."

There was always a big old slab of salmon swimming in butter on the buffet and the label announced it to the world as "Salmonfish." This place was a veritable holy land of broken English and poor spelling in print. We had many, many favorites, and would get excited to tell the group if there was a new food item on the buffet with a particularly interesting spelling.

The servers were always harried, never pleasant, and a little scary to be honest. But our drinks were kept full and we could handle feeding our bellies. The best day was when one of the "smooth talkers" in the office decided to chat up our usual server and be nice to her. Her response was (and I quote) "Don't talk to me - I too busy!"

Then one bright, crisp day a group of us decided it was a Salmonfish day. Much to our dismay, when we got to the door (after seeing several Hazmat trucks in the parking lot - coincidence?) there was a sign stating they were closed. And in true Salmonfish fashion they stated they were "Sorry for inconve neice."

Much sadness and dismay was stated, and some of this was documented in my favorite medium, Haiku. For your pleasure, I am posting my tribute as well as those of co-worker M.

Viva la Salmonfish. We know we won't like the Thai Buffet that is taking its place nearly as much.

*****************************
No seafood conbo?
No frence fried with hot mastard?
Oh, my chicken ball.

Salmonfish no more
We're forced to eat fresh food now
Greatest tragedy

No shellfish surprise…
No sour waitresses await..
Gloom rules this sad day.

Thai doesn't cut it…
Peanut butter is not good...
as a condiment.

(and my thoughts on us e-mailing each other haiku...)

I think we’re brilliant
With due modesty, of course
As great as Basho

(If we do this more
I won’t be able to stop
It’s just like breathing)

4 o'clock and I can't concentrate for one more second!

2006-02-13T16:00:00.000-06:00

"I wanna live, I wanna give, I've been a miner for a heart of gold" - Neil Young

I love Neil Young. "Harvest" is a fab album.

I have been dealing with a tiny bit of a headache today and no energy at all. I hate feeling tapped out at 4pm.

Another exciting evening planned tonight, an appointment with my insurance agent. If I were more of a slacker I would cancel it, but I should probably talk to him.

I am also thrilled to tell you all that for Valentine's Day tomorrow I am going out to dinner with my mom and grandparents at Hometown Buffet.

Well, this blog killed 5 minutes. 55 more to go. Somebody save me!!!

Feliz Cumpleanos!

2006-02-12T21:24:00.000-06:00

"You said that good friends are hard to come by, I laughed and bought you a beer, it's too corny to cry..." -Indigo Girls

Someone I know is having a sort of milestone birthday today. Because I know that it is possibly a touchy subject, I won't give specifics on the number. However, I will give you a list of my 30 favorite things about my friend Jen.

1. She gave me a second chance even though her initial impression of me was that I was too "peppy." Go figure.

2. She runs away from me (and others for that matter) when excessive drinking has occurred.

3. Like me, she appreciates the fact that our friendship is founded on the likes of "Coke Box Head" and "Steak and Shake girl. And no, that is not a drug reference. Does anyone still have that picture?

4. She is a very talented musician and was good at almost every instrument she had to learn during her pedagogy classes in college. (I won't say which one she was not good at, but it just proves that she is actually human.)

5. She is a gifted marker make-up artist.

6. She has Pantene commercial hair.

7. She has a wicked and warped sense of humor, yet still puts up with my corny jokes.

8. She rules at playing jukebox dj - almost as much as I do.

9. She educated me on classic rock bands and introduced me to Boston.

10. She is an excellent Scrabble player - I won't play with her because she always wins.

11. She and I will never lose the bond of giggling inappropriately at Beth Holmes' horse poop story on freshman Women's Ensemble tour. Giggling inappropriately at recitals. Giggling inappropriately just about everywhere.

12. She is really a secret agent.

13. One summer, she worked in the 80's and kept me laughing with stories about all of the crazy people.

14. We have been known to share a brain.

15. She taught me how to play darts at the Player's Inn when we lived in Nashville.

16. Even though it's not what she's doing now, she is a wonderful teacher.

17. She is a great person to stand next to in choir - for the singing and the commentary.

18. She has the same size feet as Wayne Newton. I have the picture to prove it.

19. She is a woman of 1000 faces. Most of them amusing.

20. She always drives.

21. She is one of the handful of people who can make me laugh until I cry, and who has stood by me when the tears aren't so happy.

22. She's a good little cook.

23. I never once was tired of being her roommate in the 5+ years that we lived in the same place.

24. When the housemates dressed up as Kiss for Halloween, she drew a nose and whiskers on a sheet and came as the ghost of Peter Criss.

25. She has low tolerance for crappy popular music.

26. She has encouraged me to speak my mind when I needed a little courage.

27. She is the wind beneath my wings.

28. She is a good and true friend. Dr. Will Miller said so.

29. She is loyal and caring.

30. She is my dear, forever friend.

Happy Happy Day, Jennifer!

Continuing Education

2006-02-09T21:34:00.000-06:00

"We don't need no education, we don't need no thought control - no dark sarcasm in the classroom, teacher leave them kids alone" -Pink Floyd

I think I'm getting dumber. By the minute. For some reason Liz and I were talking about IQ tests and Galactic tonight (that was the gifted program in our elementary schools) and I just now decided that I have already hit my peak. It's all downhill from here.

If I were my mother, I would go for an advanced degree. But the thought of working towards an MBA makes me ill. I can't go for a Masters in music because I am no longer in good enough shape vocally or mentally (theory and all of that was hard work for me) and besides that what would I do with it? Teach college? Voice lessons? No, I don't think so.

I am pursuing my Certified Meeting Planner (CMP) designation this year...but mostly because it is more than strongly encouraged at my company. Yet I still feel that I should try and keep sharper than I feel most days. Enter North County Continuing Education classes.

For all those not in the know, Liz and I have ventured into the exciting and surreal world of Adult Ed. in the past. We had a lovely intro to crocheting class with a teacher who told us to call her "Miss Anne." Nancy Reagan's younger sister taught us yoga and the proper way to say shante'. Liz is bettering herself this March with an intro to guitar class. So, I should jump on the bandwagon, no?

Here are some of my favorite offerings in the catalog that magically appeared in my mailbox last month:

- Archaeology of St. Louis: Mysterious Prehistoric Societies. I do love a good mystery. And I would also like to learn what "chert" is exactly. Plus I'd get to meet an ARCHAEOLOGIST!!!

- Crocheting: Beginning. I have slacked in my crochet skills. And Miss Anne is still teaching.

- Electric Slide Plus. A) This is under the category "Dance" and sub-category "Country Western." I think the Electric Slide qualifies for neither. 2) The description says it is "strictly-for-fun." Again, would this qualify? Nay, I think not.

- The Art of Belly Dancing. Nuff said.

- Hairbraiding: Beginning to Advanced. Now I can finally redeem myself for failing "French Braid" in high school!

- Firearm and Home Safety - 4 courses. There is so much here that unnerves me...the words "concealed carry," the refresher/marksmanship skills course, the instruction "DO NOT bring your gun to class."

- Basics of Yeast Breads. This is why they invented St. Louis Bread company - so I can BUY freshly made yeast breads.

- The Mole Hunter: A Seminar on Mole and Pest Solutions with Jeff Holper. The course description on this is classic. An excerpt: "Got Moles? Get Jeff! Jeff Holper, Past President of the Missouri Pest Management Association, is a popular authority on mole and pest management...Bring your questions to our lively seminar." But I do have something digging in my yard. It looks like it's digging down, not up, but maybe Jeff can shed some light (ha! moles! live in the dark!) for me.

- St. Louis and the Transcontinental Airline Passenger Experience: The Good Ole Days. Fabulous. Remind me how screwed we get on flights these days without even a bag of three pretzels to nibble on while sitting next to odiferous strangers for 2-3 hours at a time.

- How to Find and Keep the Perfect Mate. Finally! I'm ready to Unleash My Natural Ability To Attract A Perfect Mate! Then I Will Learn New Ways To Attract My Perfect Mate! And all for $7.50. I wonder if Professor James Welling is single? We could take my $7.50 and go to Arby's.

See kids? I am ready to sharpen the pencil, use my noodle, get that noggin a-workin' for me. Oh, the places I'll go!

Just another boring Tuesday...

2006-02-07T21:12:00.000-06:00

"You tell me in your bedroom voice... c'mon honey, let's go make some noise" -Bangles

So, you want to hear about my day? Ok. Hold on to your seats, because it's a doozie.

Wake up late as usual. Remember in my morning fog that we have a visitor bringing us lunch today so I don't have to figure that out. Bonus. Get out the door at my close-to-usual time with a pbj and diet coke - the breakfast of champions. Traffic was less than annoying and the iPod is at it's shuffling finest. Get off at the exit for my work listening to "When I'm Sixty-Four" by the Beatles. Thank you iPod!

Find a spot in the rocks even though it's a little after 8am (the rocks would be the temporary parking lot at work while they finish the garage that was supposed to be done in October.) More fine tunage for the walk to the office - "Galileo" by the Indigo Girls. Get to my desk with a minimum of e-mails and voicemails to answer and actually am able to get cracking pretty well. Consult with co-worker S. about my project because of course nothing is simple and I need to bounce ideas off her. The morning passes pretty quickly with a quick check of the Slowly Boiling Frog blog to laugh at the review of last night's 24. I think about how I need to figure out how to link from my blog but am too lazy to actually do it.

Lunch with the LA CVB. New project coming in downtown LA, but I have no pull on where my groups go, so I'm here for the free lunch and entertainment. Lunch I got, entertainment not. But at least they had diet coke. I need to drink water.

I end up on a roll in the afternoon and stay until 6:45pm because I am a workaholic and overachiever. Plus it is much easier to get things done when the office is quiet. Say goodnight to the cleaning guy and plug into the iPod again for the trip home. On my way to the rocks again I think about going to the gym. Get in my car and think about just going home. Guess what wins.

Get home without pulling through some drive-through for food even though cooking sounds lame to me. Manage to make a fairly healthy dinner and get my crap together for tomorrow's lunch by the middle of American Idol. This is the last week of the show that I will actually enjoy, but I do set the VCR for the dramatic "hell week" that supposedly starts tomorrow night. I hope that Simon will get really mean and these losers aren't just crybabies. I fear I may be disappointed.

Scrubs comes on and I thoroughly enjoy the Sacred Heart Air Band. Check the video out at nbc.com because it is funny. I mull over getting up to wash the dishes but it's too cold to get off the couch. I should turn up my heat, but it's almost time for bed. I watch the second episode of Scrubs and set my cable box and VCR timers during commercials. I am not missing another week of The Office.

I come into my second bedroom/office on another commercial break for a quick e-mail check. Nothing exciting - just e-mails I should have replied to weeks ago but am too lazy to think of responses. I look at the neatly organized stacks of papers on my desk: "shred," "checkbook," "Paid Bills/File," "To Pay/review," and "Misc." I should do something with all of this stuff. But I can't pay bills until I get my paycheck on Thursday so why do anything with the rest?

Love Monkey comes on. I like Tom Cavanagh and the show is pretty good. I decide I should blog since I promised Gabe last week that I would on Tuesdays and Thursdays. But what to write about? How about my boring day?

So there you have it. I am going to go turn on my electric blanket, feed the cats, do the dishes and read for a while before falling asleep to channel 11. My glamourous day has come to an end. I know you all envy my life. :)

The bug...

2006-02-01T18:27:00.000-06:00

“With a taste of your lips I'm on a ride - You're toxic, I'm slipping under…Tasting the poison paradise…” Dennis/Jonback/Karlsson/Winnberg

I’m still working it out of my system. Not the Spears, that’s just (mostly) harmless power pop fun to get your attention. I’m talking the icky virus that had me down and out for 24 hours straight.

I don’t get sick very often and it’s a good thing because I am a teeny tiny bit of a baby about it. Surprising, I’m sure. I’ll not fill you in on all the gory details, but let’s just say that the soup I ate last thing on Sunday night will not be on the menu for a long, long time. The sad part is I made a big batch of it and was planning to freeze and reheat, but it is all going in the garbage. I can’t even think about it without my stomach churning.

I’m on the road to wellness again, just kind of tired. I am in town for a few more weeks before I jet off to my next on-site and trying to get lots of things done both at work and on the homefront. Anyone want to come over and remove tack stripping from my floors? That’s a biggie on the project list right now.

It also looks like I am going to be looking for a new car this spring. After the demise of Levon (insert a sorrowful rendition of “Taps” here) I have been driving the functional Buick Century formerly owned by my brother. My nephew helped me dub him Mickey McGee, but honestly, we’ve never bonded. A car payment was not really on my plan for 2006, but I guess that’s life.

Enough rambling from me for the time being... be good!

There's no place like home...

2006-01-20T13:02:00.000-06:00

"Someday I'll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far behind me, where troubles melt like lemon drops, away above the chimney tops that's where you'll find me..."

It's about time for me to click my little ruby slippers together and head on back to Kansas (close enough to Missouri, right?) friends.

The thing about Vegas is that when you're working it's the same as any other city. A little more crowded and definitely full of more annoying tourists and drunks, but I still have a job (no matter how mindless) to do. I really have no exciting stories or anecdotes to share, sadly.

I did manage to have some good times with some of my co-workers - Margaritaville is connected to our hotel so went there a couple of times. I think tonight I may gamble my limit of $20 and try to have some fun before I have to leave for the airport at 3:30am.

My little house and not so little kitties await me when I get back to the 'Lou - so I'm just counting the minutes until I get to go. Been nice visiting but time to ease on down the road.

An eternity in Sin City

2006-01-12T23:27:00.000-06:00

"Bright light city gonna set my soul, gonna set my soul on fire; Got a whole lot of money that’s ready to burn, so get those stakes up higher..." --Pomus/Shuman (Elvis Presley)

This will be the time where you all get out your teeny tiny violins and play a sad symphony just for poor pitiful me, ok? I am stuck in Vegas for the next 10 days.

My job, which I love, has brought me to beautiful Las Vegas, Nevada to work a meeting. Work. Now, I am not one to whine (shut it) but Vegas can be a pain in the rear when you're here for a job like mine. The conference centers are a million miles from everywhere, casinos are only fun and charming at 5am when you've been up all night before, and there are a zillion tourists who wander around generally getting in the way.

But here I am, with my supply of "staff" red polo shirts and khaki pants, ready to face whatever it is that comes my way. I'm sure that all will be fine and I may actually get some sleep or take a pull on a slot machine once in a while. I'll make time for some fun - and maybe make good on my threats to get hitched! (haha!)

I was looking out at the lights from my hotel room thinking of all of those people out there looking for their big opportunity - money, excitement, love. Unfortunately, even a place like this with the opulent hotel lobbies, gourmet restaurants, and big name entertainment can't give us what we really need. Sure, it's fun to visit, but it is SO far removed from the real world.

Give me a hug from my nephew, a good laugh with my best friend, a home cooked meal any day. Actually.. in about 10 days. I'll be way overdue by then.

I'll try to post any fun stories from the road - and if I'm not too whipped I'll get to my 2005 in review for your reading pleasure.

Viva Las Vegas!

Stars. Night. Cold.

2006-01-04T22:13:00.000-06:00

"Everyone, everyone you look so lonely...when I look at the stars I feel like myself" - Switchfoot

This song has been running through my head lately. Good riff, good hook, and I'm feeling the message. Check out Jon and the Switchfoot boys.

I should really be asleep right now. Since the New Year I have been so tired. Part of it was having too much fun, part was waking up New Year's Day with a sniffle and sore throat that had nothing to do with the fact that I was in a bar the night before, and most of it is adjusting to being back to the grind of working every day after over a week off work.

As a frugal little homeowner I have been trying to keep my heat down since I am home so little during the day and I would like to be a little bit energy conscious. (my father is snorting at this since when I lived at home all I would do is complain about being cold.) So, I am cold. My fingers are freezing and when I wrap up on the couch to watch a little TV I have to pull the blanket around my nose.

The new routine is that about a half hour or so before I go to bed, I turn on my nifty new little electric blanket that I got for Christmas. Then when I finally pop my little eskimo toes (oh, yes... I don't like socks either) into bed it is toasty warm. The cats LOVE it and end up on top of my feet for most of the night. The only problem is that I wake up sweating halfway through the night - but I guess nothing is perfect.

So I guess it's about time for me to go snuggle up with my stuffy nose and go to sleep. Stay warm, wherever you are.

Ok, I'm really starting... For real... I mean it!

2005-12-29T22:44:00.000-06:00

I am rather pathetic, I admit it. I have this tendency to start things that seem like a fun and good idea and then leave them to wither away untended when things get busy.

But, I am a "try and try again" type of girl so I thought I would work on this little project again. I finally will have a nice workspace in my office/guest bedroom/multi-purpose room in my new little house so maybe being diligent will come more easily.

As you'll see on down the line, I've posted some past journals from the website for you all to reminisce along with me. I've decided to only add starting in 2004 - I may work on getting 2003 posted someday but for now that's all you're getting. :)

On my honor, I will try to be good about posting new ramblings, not to neglect for months on end, and to live by the Girl Scout Law.

The longest week ever...

2005-06-23T23:00:00.000-05:00

Not really sure why this week is dragging on into oblivion but I have been wishing for Friday since about Tuesday night. Not a good start to the week.

I have been trying to be a good girl this week - getting enough sleep, walking in the evenings, eating better. So why am I just as whipped as I usually am on a Thursday evening? I don't get it.

Last night I went to go see "Beauty and the Beast" at the Muny (for those non-St. Louisans, this is the "municipal opera" where they put on about 6 or 7 musicals starting in late June through August). Let's suffice to say that it was hot last night. Plus, there were a zillion cars parked in every available space in Forest Park so we had to drive around for 20+ minutes to luck out and actually get a space that wasn't a mile away...I'm not complaining - it was lovely.

Hard to believe that it's time for the Muny already - how did it get to be late June? This means that my summer is about to take off full steam ahead (no pun intended) and I'll be pretty busy.

Nothing much more exciting to say for today. I'm starting to post my old journals from the website on here - so look to those for anything of substance for the time being! ;)

The Killers in the 'Lou

2005-06-21T23:02:00.000-05:00

“While I ignore that we’ve both felt like this before, it starts to show…And if the answer is no, can I change your mind?” The Killers

I'm really upset that the Killers concert in STL is still sold out. Didn't any of those people who had tickets for the original show date have anything to do on the night they rescheduled? I'm bitter.

So, as you can all tell, A) It's been forever since I wrote my last entry and B) I haven't really told anyone that I started doing this. But my goal is to get the word out very soon so someone is actually reading my random posts.

June got off to a bumpy start for me, folks. More angst than I typically prefer - but I'm getting over it. And I feel like I've learned more about myself in the process...relationship garbage is not necessarily fun, but I suppose it's neccesary. I have decided that it is the summer of Cara - it's all about me from now on, folks.

I'm working on another big grown-up step for my life - I am trying to buy a house. Of course, with my luck nothing is never easy or cut and dry, so it's taking a while to get there. And I may still have to walk away from the deal if all doesn't get ironed out pretty soon. But it is kind of exciting. And completely terrifying.

Other than that...life is pretty much normal. It's starting to feel like summer in St. Louis. Happy Solstice Day! (anyone remember Soulstice? You girls rocked.) I'll try to be better about the blogging, so check up on me and yell if I am totally delinquent.

Yes, I am a Journal Committment-Phobe

2005-06-09T23:05:00.000-05:00

“You can take me down, you can show me your home…not the place where you live but the place where you belong” --Glen Phillips (Toad the Wet Sprocket)

About a year or so ago I was doing really well at sending my thoughts out into the vast unknown via my own website but for some reason got out of the habit. It probably has something to do with the fact that I have journaling commitment issues. I would always start a journal growing up and months would pass between entries. I always try again, but know it’s just who I am.

My friend Elizabeth is my journal hero – she has always been great about keeping up with one. So, thanks to her good influence on me and also to Jackie who reminded me that blogger is out there, I am starting my own little corner again. Once I get into this, I will work on trying to add my older journals from the website

Honestly, my head has been so full the last few weeks that I am not sure where to start. Sometimes I look at my life and just wonder “how did I get here?” I guess that it’s just from walking down the road – one foot then the next… It hurts sometimes. Other times the travels are filled with joy and laughter. The way I see it, that is how it’s supposed to be. We could never appreciate the good times if they weren’t tempered by the not-so-good (ok, the downright cry-your-eyes-out horrible times as well).

Thank God for my foundation. I am not as strong as I look, but I am stronger than I feel. I take comfort in other people’s faith in me. In the faith I hold on to daily. I have enough to keep me sane and desire more to keep me moving in the right direction. Be blessed.

05.11.04

2004-05-11T23:08:00.000-05:00

"When my soul was in the lost and found, you came along to claim it... I didn't know just what was wrong with me 'til your kiss helped me name it..." Carole King

How sad is it that I had to go through and read my journals from April and March, as scarce as they were, to figure out what has been going on with me lately? Pathetic, I know. By this time, you have all given up on me or just stopped caring about my little ramblings...but I'm back again, kiddos. Even if the only person who reads this is me wondering what the heck was going on in my life at a certain point, these journals are worth it to me.

So, let's see... what's new? Work. I am still searching for that perfect opportunity. I am currently working two jobs because I am crazy, one downtown at a title company (which is a learning experience) and one at the other end of the earth at Starbucks. I just can't give the coffee up quite yet. I have been complaining about the fact that I haven't had a day off in over 2 weeks, but that will be remedied soon enough. I can suck it up.

Music. Despite my attempts to move out of my new comfort zone of the lovely Atomic Cowboy, I have not booked any new gigs in town. BAD Cara! I do have a list of open mic nights that I want to check out, and am trying to get scheduled at a friend's coffee shop in Alton, IL. I have been playing and writing a few new songs, so the next step for me is to work up a set list and start pounding the pavement. Also, I am in the process of working on a new press kit for my "singer/songwriter" persona as well as my "professional soloist" side...I just need to have time to actually sit down and put that stuff together. I'm also going to audition for the St. Louis Symphony Chorus this month - back in choir again! (yay!)

Other. I'm still trying to take care of myself. Trying to figure out what I want for my life. Making new friends but keeping the old. Things aren't perfect, but they are pretty durn good. I am so fortunate to have wonderful family and friends, to be able to work and play, to have the freedom to keep searching for fulfillment and meaning and purpose in my life.

Things may or may not slow down anytime soon - who knows? Keep checking in with me and I will try to give you something to read from time to time, even if it's nothing more than random thoughts from little old me. :)

Keep on living, keep on loving.

04.13.04

2004-04-13T23:11:00.000-05:00

"We were surprised when we found out that love feels just like pain...I always heard I could get hurt, I knew that from the start, break my face, my back, my arms, my neck, but please don't break my heart" --K's Choice

I admit it. I am kind of a crier. As a kid, I would cry at sad stories (Disney's "Small One" was a big boo hoo-fest), sad songs (Puff the Magic Dragon always got me – DO NOT laugh!), seeing animals run over on the side of the road, and even touching TV commercials (and who didn’t cry at Kleenex commercials, anyway?)

As I got older, there was maybe a little less crying, but I would still be very empathetic to other people’s pain and loneliness. It always made me sad to see older people eating alone in restaurants for some reason…I have been made fun of for that one frequently.

As an artist, it’s good to be in touch with your emotions. You need to soul search and have a little heartbreak to write good songs – at least the kind that I like the best. Give me a rip-your-heart-out ballad with a bittersweet melody and I am in my element. I’m likely to play it 100 times and learn every word and note until I can sing it by heart. And I might just cry about it, too.

Call me melodramatic, call me a romantic, call me emotional. I’d rather lead with my heart than my head – even if it gets me hurt in the process. There are days when I feel cynical or jaded or just fed up with this life, like anyone. But I want to be like that little girl who wears her heart on her sleeve, who doesn’t build a fortress to keep safe from hurt, who cries when Lassie comes home.

So, go ahead and tell me I’m a crybaby. I’m sensitive. And I’d like to stay that way.

03.25.04

2004-03-25T23:13:00.000-06:00

“I seem to recognize your face, haunting familiar yet I can’t seem to place it; cannot find the candle of thought to light your name…lifetimes are catching up with me” --Pearl Jam

Welcome to 1994, everyone! I will be your official tour guide to Wayback Week.

I don’t know what it is…there is no full moon, I don’t know which planets are aligned with which, but this has been the weirdest week I’ve had in a long time. I have seen or heard from several people that I went to high school with that I normally don’t. Some of it, granted, was by design (had a little get together, or as Liz said “gather together”) but some of it was completely random.

Chaos theory. That must be it. I was watching one of my highly philosophical and intelligent TV shows the other night, Scrubs, (oh, you know you love it, too) and they did a little play on the whole “chaos theory” concept (a butterfly flaps its wings in Toronto or wherever and causes a Tsunami in Japan). Essentially, one small change can start a chain of events that can effect much more drastic change. We’ve all seen it in our lives. So there must be a butterfly somewhere pushing all of this ancient history back into present day.

Maybe subconsciously I’m willing it to happen. I am definitely thinking more about my life 10 years ago now that I am back in St. Louis where that life was. The impending 10 year anniversary of my high school graduation is also a factor. I’m thinking about “glory days” per se (oh, wait, that was college…).

So we’ll see what else surfaces in this little trip down memory lane. I know that getting back in touch with people this far has been fun…so who knows where else it may take me. Time will tell.

Peace.

03.24.04

2004-03-24T23:15:00.000-06:00

“I took a walk around the block, I bought a candle it was flaming red…I thought a thought then I forgot so I sang the happy song in my head…” --Patty Griffin

A friend and I were talking recently about how I am a “yes” girl – a people pleaser. I don’t know the reason why; it’s just a part of my personality. I have a desire and a need to take care of other people – unfortunately sometimes to the detriment of taking care of me.

Over the past year, I have been making an effort to learn how to make myself happy first. It’s not that being nurturing and caring isn’t important to me…I’m just realizing that if I am physically, emotionally, mentally exhausted I am not going to be able to do anything for anyone else. It’s hard to think about myself first. It feels selfish or egotistical to consider what I need over others. But I am trying to be better about it – it just feels strange.

I have definitely made great strides in the “taking care of me” arena in the past year…it has definitely been a year of growth in many, many ways.

My challenge to you is to do something nice for yourself this week. It could be anything from a new pair of shoes to eating healthy to a bubble bath– but make sure that it benefits you only. I think you will be glad you did.

Take care of you!

P.S. The lyrics up there belong to my current theme song “Flaming Red” by Patty Griffin. If you don’t have this album (of the same name) buy it now….it rocks!

03.02.04

2004-03-02T23:17:00.000-06:00

“What do you say when it’s all gone away? Baby I didn’t mean to hurt you…truth spoke in whispers can tear you apart no matter how hard you resist it; it never rains when you want it to…” --Kevin Breit (Norah Jones)

Signs of life are starting to show…March came in yesterday like a lamb, but I have a feeling that the lion is lurking around the corner. I am tentatively hoping that spring is here to stay!

Mom told me the other day that she has a good feeling about this month – like positive things are in store. I’m banking on her feeling, because I am getting a little antsy for my life to start progressing further here. Let’s all have hope that she’s right. I had a job interview yesterday for a job that I really want and am going to “play out” for the first time in St. Louis tomorrow night. Granted, this is only an open mic night, but it is a place to start.

So far, March is looking promising. Other than those little tidbits, life has been pretty normal. Keep me in your thoughts on the job front – I need a routine (and the income) and soon!

02.12.04

2004-02-12T23:30:00.000-06:00

“It’s not far, I can walk down the block to Tabletop, close my eyes and make the pies all day - I’m making pies….5 a.m., here I am, walking that block to Tabletop you could cry, you could die, or just make pies all day - I’m making pies” --Patty Griffin

Did anyone else play that game “Concentration” growing up? If you didn’t, the basic gist is this: You have a red board with about 20ish different shaped yellow pieces that fit into their own little notch in the board. You start the game with everything in its place, and then set the board’s timer. The board then shakes everything up – all the pieces get jumbled and you have to put everything back where it belongs before the timer runs out, the board pops up again and the pieces you put back get out of order again.

Sometimes I feel like life is a high-stakes game of Concentration. Once that board shakes everything up, you scramble to get things put back together again. Sometimes you can do it before you get another jolt, sometimes you have to start over from the beginning – repeatedly.

I don’t know if I’m going to get things put together before the next time I have a little shakeup in my life. In all likelihood, I probably won’t. But part of the excitement is trying to get that one little piece in place before time runs out. So maybe I’ll have to regroup again tomorrow…but I figure I’ve gotten this far. It takes a lot to shake me up for too long.

Be good, take care, all that stuff.

P.S. Happy birthday Jen!

02.09.04

2004-02-09T23:28:00.000-06:00

"Everyone can see we're together as we walk on by, and we flock just like birds of a feather, I won't tell no lie.." --Sister Sledge

I have a really cool family. I spent a good chunk of time with the Beckerle side this weekend because my cousin got married on Saturday, and I had such a great time.

There's something special about people who are related to you by blood- maybe it's because you see yourself in them. I feel so very blessed to not only love my family, but to like them, too. We may not see each other all the time, or we may see each other every day, but time and distance don't seem to matter when we're together.

It's interesting to become one of the "grown-ups" and have a new batch of kids running around. Most of my cousins are married, having babies, all that good stuff. I'm actually one of the few, the proud, the unattached and unencumbered. Mostly, I'm ok with that. Sometimes I am a little impatient for my turn.

Now that I am back in St. Louis where most of both sides of my family are located (with a few exceptions) I am so happy to be able to participate in all of the family functions that I have had to miss over the past several years. Something as simple as running over to my grandparents' house for an hour is more special to me somehow.

I am so thankful for my big, wonderful, loving, sometimes a little loud and crazy family. They are why I am the person I am today. And they tell me that I'm pretty great. I think they are, too. :)

Call your mom, kiss your kid, hug your uncle. Be grateful for the people you call family.

02.05.04

2004-02-05T23:24:00.000-06:00

“It don't snow here, it stays pretty green, gonna make a lot of money and quit this crazy scene...I wish I had a river to skate away on" --Joni Mitchell

I am wishing for green...I can hardly believe I'm saying this, but I am tired of snow. Five years of living in Nashville complaining about how it didn't snow enough, and it has turned me into a snow-hater. I am officially ready for spring.

This cold weather makes me want to hibernate. I am sick for the third time in less than two months (sorry if you've heard me complain about this already - I am whiny about it today).

Yesterday was a tough day for some reason. I think that I have exhausted myself enough physically for it to affect me emotionally. I was in the valley. But the good news is that I am trudging back up the hill today.

Things are happening slowly, and I am trying to be patient with the process. And we all know that I have an issue with trying to control my life a little too completely. So I am working on the letting go as well.

I had a job interview today, which I mostly went on for interview practice, and they asked the typical "strength and weakness" question. I totally blew the weakness part. Not that I can't think of my own shortcomings, because let's face it, we are all our own worst critics. But most of the things I can think of are not really work-related. And how do you put a positive spin on your weaknesses? I always hate that question, but at least I didn't get a question about what kind of animal I'd like to be or how tall the Eiffel Tower is.

Something to work on, I suppose. Think I could say my greatest weakness is answering the question about what my greatest weakness is? Hmmm...something to ponder.

That's all for now - pray that the Job Fairy leaves me something I can afford to live on under my pillow.

01.27.04

2004-01-27T23:44:00.000-06:00

“So many things we never will undo, I know you’re sorry, well I’m sorry too... Some people will offer you their hand and some won’t, last night I knew you tonight I don’t, I need something strong to distract my mind, I’m gonna look at you ‘till my eyes go blind” --Bob Dylan

I am about 49% shy. I know, it may be hard to believe, but this is a fact about me. I have spent a lot of time in my life cultivating the more extroverted side of my personality, but there is always a big part of me that would much rather be in the corner than in the spotlight.

Probably the only exception to that would be when I am literally in the spotlight – there is something about being a performer that is instinctual to me. I love it, I thrive on it, I can’t get enough of it. And I have been without a platform (albeit my own fault) for way too long.

Part of this whole life change for me is to figure out where this whole performer side of me fits into what I want from my life overall. I’m not sure if I am cut out to live as a “starving artist.” I have much too strong a desire for security. But I am trying not to let being safe get in the way of what I truly desire – as someone once told me “what makes my heart sing.” (Appropriate, no?)

So I am searching for another starting point - a place where I can develop myself as an artist and grow musically. I may need to live my life in a little less “traditional” way for a while until I figure that out. I’m trying to be ok with that. I’m listening for the voice that has never led me astray...and praying that it will whisper a little louder sometime soon.

I wish for you to live the life that makes your heart sing. I hope we get there sooner than later.

01.23.04

2004-01-23T23:43:00.000-06:00

“Some things are the way they are and words just can’t explain…I never saw blue like that before, across the sky, around the world…you’re giving me all you have and more, no one else has ever shown me how to see the world the way I see it now…” --Shawn Colvin

If I’ve learned anything about myself over the past year, I’ve learned that I have a strong desire for a plan, a direction, a road to follow. And, wouldn’t you know it, sometimes life just doesn’t happen that way. Sometimes it just happens.

Things that are important to me, like a husband and a family are not so easily planned. I can’t sit down and say, “Here are the five steps I need to take in order to find that person I want to spend my life with.” How irritating is that?

People are always paying lip service to the notion that the whole relationship issue will be resolved “when you least expect it/aren’t looking/are patient” and so on and so on. So I wait. I know that when it is supposed to happen, it will.

So I don’t obsess about it, don’t worry about it. Go with the flow. Which is totally opposite to my nature – I want CONTROL…but I have to let it go.

Here’s to letting things happen naturally...

01.21.04

2004-01-21T23:41:00.000-06:00

“And now you want to ask me how…it’s like ‘How does your heart beat and why do you breathe?’ – and now you want to ask me why…it’s like ‘How does your heart beat and why do you cry?’” --Lisa Loeb

So…now what? I’m not used to having down time like this, so every once in a while I get this feeling like I am forgetting something important or not doing what I should be. Realistically, this may be accurate. I tend to do better when I have too much to do – I stay more focused and somehow get it all done.

Having less to do is a little weird for me. It’s kind of nice, but weird all the same. I don’t want to give the impression that I am sitting around eating bon-bons all day or anything like that. I think that my family and friends here could actually keep me occupied most of the time with little trouble (who needs a job?).

I’m a perpetual list-maker, so I have several “To Do” lists going at once. I have a daily ritual of looking at job listings and responding to interesting possibilities. If there were a listing for professional e-mail checker, I would be a shoe-in. Somehow I think that those things won’t really pay the bills.

I’m trying to lay low in some areas…it would be easy to over-commit now only to realize that once I do get a job I won’t have as much time to dedicate to “extras.” So, it’s little things for now, and sometimes I get the “Hmmm…now what?” dialogue going on in my head. I’m ok with it for a little while longer – but pretty soon I need to get back to my harried, busy, over-involved little self. Maybe then I will feel a bit more normal.

But until then, I may have more of these little ramblings for you all to read! Keep on keepin’ on...

01.20.04

2004-01-20T23:40:00.000-06:00

“I just have this secret hope, sometimes all we do is call…somewhere on the steepest slope there’s an endless rope, and nobody’s crying” --Patty Griffin

Another week has begun in St. Louis…I was informed this weekend that some people expect this site to be updated, so I’d better get cracking on journal entries so as not to disappoint (this one’s for you, Jaime! :) )

I am feeling a bit yuppie-esque today. After being in the house all day, I needed to get out and to get up north before traffic becomes even more horrible than normal, so I am sitting in St. Louis Bread Company, sipping a caramel latte (nonfat, no whip, of course) and typing on a borrowed laptop. How trendy am I? If only I was at a Starbucks and this was somewhere a little hipper than North County…

I am a thinker. I think and I think and I over-analyze and beat things to death in my head. It’s what I do. But when it comes down to it, after all of that mental sparring is done, I tend to go with my gut. How something makes me feel can make or break a situation for me. Case in point: I decided to take a short trip to Nashville this weekend. (For those of you who I saw – it was lovely; for those I missed – I apologize. I’ll have to catch you the next time.)

One of the things I noticed as I was driving into the city was the way it made me feel. I remember that day over 5 years ago when I moved there. It was sunny and bright, the city was spread out over the curve in I-65 ripe with promise and expectation and the Bell-South “Bat Building” waving hello. It felt right for me to be there, even though I wasn’t sure of the path things would take.

Driving in this weekend, I kind of wondered how I would feel, almost a month after making a huge change in my life and moving back to St. Louis. Would I feel regret? Sadness? Like I made a mistake? As I made that I-65 loop again, I felt none of those things. I was happy that I would be seeing people that mean so much to me. I knew that good times were to be had (and they were…). And I was completely at peace with my decision to leave when I did.

I don’t know what’s in store for me here in St. Louis. But I am utterly convinced that as difficult as it was to make that choice, it was the right thing. I realize that the plan set for me is greater than I could ever devise on my own. This step of faith is not unlike my decision to move to Nashville in the first place – and I don’t regret a minute of my time there. Music City, USA and the people who I love there will always have a special place in my heart.

Until next time.

01.15.04

2004-01-15T23:33:00.000-06:00

"When you're soaring through the air, I'll be your solid ground...Take every chance you dare, I'll still be there when you come back down" --Nickel Creek

Wow. It seems like ages since I have journaled on here. Most of you who know me understand why - December was an insane month! So let's get to the updates.

If you're reading this, you know that the CD is COMPLETE! And not only complete, but sitting in boxes in my closet waiting for all of you to get your copies! As usual, when you say something like "it will be ready...barring any issues" there are always issues. But the good thing is that it is done, I'm happy with it, and you can start ordering away!

The other huge news in my life is that I after 5 years in Nashville, I have moved back to St. Louis. This is something that I knew I would do, it was always just a matter of time. So, I packed up my life, was a transient for a while (thanks Mike & Rob), and moved back in with my parents (gasp!) on December 20th.

I love being home, it feels right. I am still looking for a job, but the right one will come along. I haven't started playing out in St. Louis yet, but it is definitely on my short list of goals for the next month or so. I'll be finding a place of my own (hopefully sooner than later) but am grateful for the support of my family right now. All of that change that happened over the past several months was laying the groundwork for this big change. I see that now. It was hard to walk through, but I have such high hopes for this next chapter of my life.

2004 will be a good year. I can feel it in my bones.